


Becoming Family

by mforpaul (Linde)



Series: Slow Burn [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Family, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:16:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15818706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linde/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: You can also follow this story if you haven't read the first part.This story follows the first months of their relationship with all its quirks: Every day life, meeting each other's family, coming out as bi to their families and the big questions of becoming a family of their own. As much as Rafael loves Sonny he has his difficulties settling into the relationship because he is unease with the closeness besides wanting it so much and needs to learn to not live so much in his own head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this goes on right where we left off in the first part of this Barisi series. Rafael and Sonny have spent the summer being in an affaire-like arrangement but now start to commit to their developing relationship. Rafael was basically in denial of many things during the summer. Now life starts again. There are a lot of revelations to be made ahead of them and Rafael overthinks all of them.  
> Let's see how it will work out.

_To love someone is hard._

_Love is not easy_ , was a simple truth that flushed through Rafael’s veins when he cleaned out a drawer for Sonny. He did not really clean one out, there were two empty ones on the bottom of his chest of drawers. He just moved one of the empty ones to the top.

It was Tuesday. Sonny was going to come over after work. He had been here only the day before. Sonny had cooked a wonderful dinner in Rafael’s kitchen. He had brought two bags of groceries and had stored the ingredients in Rafael’s underequipped kitchen cupboards. The image had been sweet, too sweet.

The literal bittersweet pain had stung in his chest when Rafael had watched Sonny in his kitchen yesterday.

Sonny had caught him staring and asked: “What?”

Rafael had pressed his lips together and slightly shaken his head. “Nothing”, he had replied with a small smile on his lips. But Sonny had realized something was off.

“Am I doing something wrong?”, Sonny had asked softly and stopped rummaging around the groceries.

Rafael had shaken his head but a look into Sonny’s face had been enough to know that he would not let go until Rafael talked.

“It’s just…”, Rafael had struggled for words. “You know. I have my commitment issues…”

“You don’t say”, Sonny had smirked, amused.

Rafael had only answered him with a deadly look. He had felt somewhat embarrassed, he still did. That he was so unease with the closeness, despite wanting it so much.

“Not everyone acts like the male lead in a romcom blockbuster”, Rafael had shot back.

Sonny had raised two hands with a warm smile on his face. “Look, Rafael”, he had said softly and held up a pack of pasta. “This is pasta.”

“Thanks for the clarification”, Rafael had answered emotionlessly.

“You can boil pasta in hot water and then eat it. You can do this, even though I'm not here”, Sonny had explained. “This is parmesan cheese.” He had held up the next item. “I'll put it in your fridge. If I'm not here and you don’t eat it, it'll go bad in a couple of weeks. Then you'll throw it away.” Rafael had leaned against the frame of the kitchen door with one eyebrow raised. “The same holds true for this”, Sonny had continued showing him fresh basil in a pot. “This is basil. If for some unimaginable reason, you won’t like me anymore, you'll stop giving water to the plant. Then it dies and you put it in the garbage”, Sonny concluded. “Do you want me to go on?” He had gestured towards the bags.

“I'm aware of the wide range of things, you can do with groceries”, Rafael had growled.

Sonny had wet his still smiling lips, approached him and cupped his face with his hands. “Rafael, if I go too fast, tell me”, Sonny had whispered against his lips. “But don’t be bugging out over little things. I mean, it’s just groceries. It doesn't lead into me moving in or something.”

Rafael had felt stupid for his own immaturity and overwhelmed by Sonny’s sweetness, all at the same time. He had brushed his lips on Sonny’s.

“Is this leading to a blow job in the kitchen?”, Rafael had teased in an attempt to distract from his cocktail of emotions. It had only taken a second until Sonny was not on eyelevel anymore.

The drawer was ready for Sonny. It felt weird. As hard as it was for Rafael to allow Sonny a permanent presence in his home, it seemed too less to only assign him a drawer. A drawer and a few clothes hangers.

Rafael sighed. Four full months, they had lingered into their affaire-like arrangement. A whole summer. They had just had sex and alcohol and conversations. It had all been fine as long as they had happened within the walls of his or Sonny’s apartment. But as soon as they had stepped out of this safety – namely to a godforsaken roof top bar in Brunswick – it had stopped working. A misfortunate coincidence had brought his friend Rita to the same bar. As it turned out, Rafael had failed to address their arrangement as well as his own feelings properly. That had been the night, they truly had come together.

 _Was that Carisi?_ was the straight-forward content of the text message, Rafael had received Saturday morning. Sonny had asked Rafael, if Rita Calhoun would be discrete about him, as nobody knew about his sexuality yet. Rafael had told him not to worry.

Anyway, he had picked up the phone to call his friend.

When Rita had answered, he had simply said: “Yes.”

“Are you screwing him?”, Rita had asked enthusiastically. There had been a white noise that had told him that she must be in a car.

“You bet.”

“I didn't know, he was cheering for the other team.”

“Yeah, well, Rita, will you be discrete about this, please?”, Rafael had said with an insisting voice.

“Don’t worry”, Rita had answered nonchalantly.

“I mean it”, Rafael had insisted again.

“Rafael, nobody will hear anything from me, until he sorts his shit out”, Rita had said more sincerely.

“Good.”

“So, how did it happen?”, Rita’s voice had switched into a chattering pitch.

“Let’s talk about this over those Mimosas, you promised me”, Rafael had suggested.

“Well, actually I got called in by a client. So I'm on my way to Montauk, believe it or not”, Rita had clicked with her tongue. “As if there's no place on that stupid Long Island that could be farther away from Manhattan.” There was literally none, but Rafael had seen no fun in pointing that out. “Anyways, I won’t be back until tomorrow night probably. Gone is my weekend. But this means, I will take half a day off on Monday, so what about Mimosas over a late lunch then?”

“Okay”, Rafael had started to feel embarrassed for being unemployed and having always time.

This was how he had met up with Rita on Monday at three o’clock in a bar with a decoration that only a man confident with his sexuality could stand. They had went fast with finishing their first round. And Rafael had wisely picked the stories to share about Sonny.

“So a friends with benefits situation that we have right here. That's not your thing, Rafael”, Rita had concluded holding her glass next to her face. She knew damn well that Rafael usually went for occasional one time things.

“Well, thanks to you we're not like that anymore”, Rafael had replied. “He freaked all out about what I said with him just being a summer fling.”

“Aw, did I ruin the happy humping?”, Rita had asked pretending to be sorry.

“No, but certainly our arrangement”, Rafael had taken a sip of his Mimosa. It had taken a while for Rita to understand, what he had just said. When she did, her eyes had widened.

“Wait, _what?”,_ she had put her glass on the table.

“What what?”, Rafael had played dumb.

“What did you just say?”

“That we're still humping, but not as friends with benefits”, Rafael had talked as if talking to a child.

“Rafael, what are you just telling me?”, Rita had stared at him with big eyes.

“What part don't you understand?”

“Rafael”, Rita had said his name with intensity. “Spell it out for me!”

“He's now my boyfriend”, Rafael had given up. Rita, the drama queen she is, had opened her mouth as if screaming but no sound came out.

“Rafael Barba has a boyfriend!”, she had said finally, too loud of course. She had shaken her two hands in the air.

“I think not everyone in this bar has heard you”, Rafael had warned her.

He had soothed out his tie.

He had come straight from signing a job contract in the morning. While he had handled the DUI of his mother’s church friend’s niece earlier the summer, a lawyer from a small office that handled mostly traffic cases had approached him. He would cover for someone on maternity leave. So the contract was fixed-term, which gave him time to continue doing nothing while officially doing something. It was even a part-time job. Rafael only hoped, he would not die of boredom.

“That's scandalous”, Rita had said, talking about his relationship, not his boring new job.

“Calm down”, Rafael had responded.

“Rafael, I don’t even remember you ever being with someone other than Yelina”, Rafael could see that his friend had been saying these words with honest empathy. She was happy for him. “Do you even know how to have a boyfriend?”

Rafael had pouted in response. There had been no more point in fumbling with his tie.

“No”, he had admitted.

Rita’s expression had softened in that moment. Rafael had known that he could talk to her openly: “It's almost a hundred percent sure, that I'm going to screw it up.”

“Give yourself some credit.”

“What credit?”, Rafael had asked. “Am I marriage material? Or co-parent material? I'm barely boyfriend material.”

“Does he want all that?”, Rita had asked.

“I guess”, Rafael had answered.  
“So you don't even know that? Didn’t bother to ask?”, Rita had raised her brows.

“No, but I mean… he is like he is”, Rafael had mumbled.

“Look, don’t freak out before there is something to freak out about. Like this, it won’t work out for sure”, Rita had gently squeezed his hand.

“I'm afraid, it'll end up in heart break”, Rafael had admitted, barely whispering. Sonny’s heartbreak would be harder for him to bear than his own.

“You really like him, do you?”, Rita had asked and Rafael had only nodded. “Look, Rafael, the only way to prevent that heartbreak is by actually trying. And not handicapping this relationship to prove you're right." Rafael had looked up to her when she had said that. “It looks like you're given a great chance here. Take it, don’t ruin it.” They had both taken a mouthful of Mimosas to that.

“Thanks”, Rafael had said finally. Of course, she was right.

And he was still scared to the bones.

Rafael closed his eyes. He still thought about that moment. Back in Sonny’s flat, after they had run into Rita in that roof top bar. Sonny had told him to walk out of the door, if he would keep denying his feelings. His feed had felt like stone, when he had stood in front of the open door.

It was still unexplainable, that he had not been able to walk away. Because the truth still holds true, Rafael was not sure if he could give Sonny everything he wanted, or needed.

It was one thing to give someone your body. Or to fall in love. But to actually be with someone, to have a responsibility for someone, to care about someone else… To be a part of someone’s life, to shape that life. Rafael did not know if he could master this challenge. Because nothing else was meant, when they had hushed their “I love you” to each other that night.

If Sonny loves, he loves hard. So does Rafael.

And all he knew was that he loved Sonny.

All this mess was only four days ago. They had spent the weekend together at Sonny’s, fucking each other’s brains out mostly.

Or making love, as it might be called now.

They hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other. Rafael was overwhelmed by the fact, that the simple word of “love” had put so much heat in the sex. Not even on Sunday night, Rafael had been able to leave. As a result they had parted Monday morning, before the clock even showed seven, when Sonny had to go to work.

Rafael remembered, how they had been making out in front of Sonny’s door like teenagers. They had kissed each other open mouthed, too wet, with tongues everywhere. Their hands had been in each other’s hair and on each other’s necks. They had been turning around, bumping into walls. It would have been easier to simply give in the urge and have a quickie.

Rafael had eventually somehow found it in himself to stop the horny make out session and slipped out of Sonny’s apartment, before he could change his mind. Leaving Sonny dumbstruck behind.

Sonny had ended up being nearly half an hour late for work that morning. With messed up hair and a fading, but visible hickey on his neck, Liv had naturally not been happy.

Liv. Rafael would need to tell her.

He massaged his forehead. He felt the familiar panic crawling around in his chest and hated himself for it.

He looked up and saw himself in the little mirror above the chest of drawers.

He was not ready. Or willing to give up that beautiful bubble, they had lived in so far. He was not ready to step into a world, where Sonny had a saying in the decision for his dinner or where they had to arrange themselves in the bathroom before getting to work in the morning. He wanted to be in love in the way, that you kiss like a fool, bang like rabbits and stare into each other’s eyes as if they are the world.

He couldn’t get enough of Sonny.

But he was not ready to deal with the sharp edges that everyday life would provide for them, when Sonny started to be around all the time. That Rafael would do Sonny’s dirty laundry and put the clean one back into this very drawer he had just cleaned out. That Rafael would need to pick up jogging again in order to keep up in bed. That Rafael would meet people, only because they were somehow related to Sonny.

Together with the fact that he would enter half a work life again on October first, an idea formed in his head. An idea to prolong their pure magic just a bit longer.

Rafael heard a knock on the door.

When he opened the door, he basically fell around Sonny’s neck and kissed him hard.

New future colleagues, Rita, so many things had happened this day that Rafael had actually missed Sonny.

“Wow”, Sonny smiled against Rafael’s lips. “What's that for?”  
“You and your body are in my possession now, so you can’t complain if I take what I want”, Rafael said pulling him into the flat by his forearm.

Sonny was still wearing his suit, so he had come straight from work. The drawer would not be filled today.

“No complaining, just asking”, Sonny replied.

“Sit, I want to tell you something”, Rafael said and they both sat down on the couch. He needed to declare his plan to Sonny, before he would start to overthink.

“My day was fine, thanks for asking”, Sonny said, leaning back on the couch.

Rafael raised his eyebrows: “You do the same thing every day.”

“I'm a detective at SVU”, Sonny complained.

“Yes, so everyday work”, Rafael agreed.  
“Being a detective is like the most exciting job ever”, Sonny opened his mouth to say something more, but Rafael did not let him.

“Listen”, Rafael started. “I think, we should go on a vacation.”

“That's a great idea”, Sonny must have forgotten the former insult within a second, because his face lit up.

“I only have great ideas.”

“But you start working again in four weeks”, Sonny interjected.

“So we should go before, take time to relax before I start working again.”

“Because you haven't done this in like the last eight months”, Sonny smiled, but threw him a punitive look.

Rafael ignored him. “As I have no money, I can't afford something with much activity. So I suggest, we'll just travel south until we hit a nice beach with enough sunshine during this time a year.”

“Are you suggesting something spontaneous? Rafael Barba, what has unemployment done to you?”, Sonny snubbed.

“What have _you_ done to me?”, Rafael snorted.

“Shut up, I have pleased you”, Sonny answered raising his brow knowingly. He was too delicious. “Anyways, beach sounds mad good. You mean like Florida or something? We could wave to Cuba.”

Rafael sighed, Florida would be great, but they would need plane tickets. “It's very far away. Maybe we can just go somewhere, we can reach by car?”, he suggested.

“Okay, but I don’t want to drive too far. The long car ride ruins the holiday.”

“So, what about Ocean City. Rehoboth Beach?”, Rafael proposed.

“Delaware? Wow”, Sonny feigned to be impressed.

“If you want to place any demands to this trip, go ahead”, Rafael said, himself unimpressed.

“No, it’s fine”, Sonny smiled. “As long as you're in it, I'm fine.”

“You're adorable”, Rafael said arrogantly.

"And a detective. In NYC!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The lights turned green and Rafael looked forward. He needed this vacation. He wanted to dive deep into their bubble, before the everyday life of the City would inevitably burst it open so violently."

It was lame. Rehoboth Beach. In fact, that was the place of Rafael’s very first spring break, which should explain how lame it was. Both men did not really care much. Rehoboth Beach would do its sole purpose of giving them a vacation.

Rafael had found it very interesting, that the earliest day that Sonny was able to get off was a Tuesday. There was no other way for Sonny than to start his holiday in the middle of the week. He even needed to work on the weekend in order to clear out the Monday. Rafael had nearly forgotten how time consuming working for SVU was. But the time seemed to stop mattering, when you put all your passion in a case. If you knew, why you were doing this work, it sstoped consuming you.

Sonny had borrowed a car for them from, if Rafael could recall right, the brother of the girlfriend of his oldest cousin’s son. Sometimes Rafael wondered, if the Carisis weren’t secretly inclined with the mob.

So Tuesday, at elven a.m. right after the rush hours started to calm down on the streets of New York City, Rafael arranged the driver’s seat of the stranger’s mud green Opel Corsa.

Sonny had teased him: “You even know how to drive?”.

Well, Rafael was a New Yorker for starters. It was really not necessary to learn driving in New York, unless you want to become an Uber driver. But he was also that kind of New Yorker who came from the Bronx. Being a male teenager in the Bronx had kind of obliged him to pursue his driving license. If only to keep up the possibility of the image that he could cruise around the blocks of the barrio with his friends in the backseat.

Likewise, Sonny had in a way hit the core of Rafael’s feelings towards driving: Rafael was also that kind of New Yorker who lived in Manhattan. He liked to sit in the backseat of cars.

In his junior year in highschool, Rafael had helped out the son of a family friend in the barrio who had had a broken foot for some dumb reason and could not drive his small flower delivery truck for a couple of weeks. Rafael had crashed that truck, twice actually.

The last time, he had driven a car had been six months ago, when his mother and her church friend’s had decided that this very truck crashing guy was the right one to pick them up late night from a wedding in Greenwich.

The only reason, he had agreed to drive, was because he knew that Sonny was exhausted from work. But Rafael did not tell him that.

They had not even left the borders of New York City, when Sonny was already asleep. Waiting at a red traffic light, Rafael let his eyes trail over his sleeping boyfriend. No hair product, he had not shaved.

“Leave the shaving kit here”, Sonny had said to him.

Rafael had accused him of being a savage for giving up the civil act of shaving at first opportunity presented, but truthfully he himself never shaved outside of work. Sonny was wearing a yellow polo-shirt, a color that Rafael did not like on him, and black sweat shorts with a sign of the New York Yankees.

 _Great,_ so everyone will be forced to know, where they come from.

Rafael studied Sonny’s face. Even without seeing his bright, blue eyes, he was a beautiful man. Rafael followed the edges of the bones of Sonny’s jaw and nose. His dirty blond hair fell on his forehead. Despite his sharp features, with his wrinkles flattened during sleep, Sonny’s face seemed so soft. As if one wrong movement could break him. Rafael’s mouth formed a small smile. He felt the need to protect him, simultaneously he had no idea how to do that.

The lights turned green and Rafael looked forward. He needed this vacation. He wanted to dive deep into their bubble, before the everyday life of the City would inevitably burst it open so violently.

They arrived at their destination at three thirty. Their hotel room was… modest. Not that it mattered where they fucked.

Thanks to Climate Change, Delaware had welcomed them, in this second week of September, with around eighty five degrees Fahrenheit and cloudless sunshine.

“Directly hit the beach?”, Sonny had asked and Rafael had only nodded. He could not wait to see his boyfriend wet and in his swim trunks.

Rafael put on his own, mint green trunks with a black palm tree pattern. He took two towels out of his bag and put them in a jute bag. Except for their phones and the hotel key, they would need nothing else.

After Sonny came out of the bathroom, Rafael slipped in to take a piss. When he washed his hands, Rafael felt a kiss placed between his shoulder blades. The kisses wandered up his neck. A hand appeared on his waist, another one on his biceps. Sonny let the tip of his tongue lick along his hairline.

Then he spread kisses first along one of Rafael’s shoulders and then along the other shoulder. Rafael knew these kisses. _I can’t resist you_  was what they told him. But Rafael did his best to not moan. That was his way of pushing Sonny to keep going.

He kept his eyes open and watched Sonny, who was standing behind him, through the bathroom mirror. Sonny slowly planted a spree of kisses down Rafael’s spine. When Sonny arrived at his coccyx, he pushed Rafael’s trunks down. Suddenly, Rafael felt a spitty finger in his hole. He shrugged. Luckily for him, Sonny could not see his absolute delight caused by this pure boldness.

“Are you going to fuck me now?”, Rafael growled deeply.

“Yeah”, Sonny answered and stood up. His finger still in Rafael’s ass. Sonny leaned over Rafael’s shoulder and reached for the lube that he must have placed on the washbasin earlier.

 _Good boy_ , Rafael thought, _he's well prepared_.

“You brazen”, Rafael snapped at him.

Sonny paused in the middle of squeezing a generous amount of lube on his fingers. Sonny looked up into Rafael’s face in the mirror. Sonny placed his chin on Rafael’s shoulder and gazed at him with the most innocent look. Rafael’s stomach began to prickle.

There had been no way anyway that he was going to deprive himself from this treat, but in this moment, with the way his lover looked at him, he could not resist him if he'd wanted to.

 _For the love of live_ , he could not. Rafael focused and shot a firing look into Sonny’s direction. He did not need to speak the command out loud.

“Please”, Sonny whispered. _Not enough_.

“Please, Rafael”, Sonny stroke over Rafael’s neck with his nose. “Please.”

Rafael really did not have the nerves to torment him further. He gave him a short nod, nearly not visible. Eager as his lover is, Sonny’s fingers were back in Rafael’s ass in no time. Rafael placed his hands on the washbasin.

“Be a good boy”, Rafael said intensely. “You'll fuck me nicely.”

Sonny fingered him willingly.

“I want to feel your dick inside of me. Give me your dick”, Rafael instructed him. Sonny obeyed and put lube on his erection.

“You can’t resist me. You just can’t. Tell me, how much you want me.”

“Rafael”, Sonny winced. “I want you so much. You’re my everything. You’re all I want…”

Rafael shushed him. Sonny had placed his penis in front of Rafael’s hole.  
“Listen to me well”, Rafael’s voice was nearly not hearable. “You will push your dick inside of me now. And then I want you to fuck me, fuck me good. I want you to come inside of me. I want to feel your cum in me. Do that and be a good boy.”

Sonny swallowed hard and nodded. He slowly pushed inside. Rafael loved to feel him, Sonny’s beautiful penis felt huge inside of him.

He loved how Sonny gradually, but firmly accelerates his thrusts. How his dick slowly found the right angle and penetrated his prostrate mercilessly.

Rafael watched Sonny’s face in the mirror. His eyes turned darker by the minute. When they began to water, Rafael knew that Sonny was close.

“Make me come first”, Rafael ordered. It was admittedly a shallow order, because he was already leaking precum. Sonny grabbed Rafael’s dick and began stroking along the thrusts.

There were dots in his vision when Rafael came. His whole crotch was hot. His penis pumped from the aftermath of lust. Together with his moans subsiding, he felt Sonny’s warm come rushing into him. Sonny’s hands groped around Rafael’s hip. Sonny fucked him hard a couple of times, until he finally collapsed onto Rafael’s back.

Rafael could not help the big grin in his face.

In the mirror, he could see that sweat was pouring down his forehead.

“You’re really heavy”, he said to Sonny.

“Sorry”, Sonny mumbled, got up and pulled out. Rafael felt Sonny’s sperm leaking out of himself.

Rafael turned around and wrapped his arms around Sonny’s waist. He pulled him into a warm kiss on the lips. Sonny’s whole body was sweaty.

Sonny rested his forehead on Rafael’s. They gazed into each other’s eyes and laughed.

That had been good.

“I love you”, Sonny whispered. They had not said these words again since the first time.

Rafael because he was afraid and Sonny probably because he did not want to scare him more.

Rafael swallowed hard: “Come on, let’s have our shower in the Atlantic Ocean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little treat as a thank you. Love loud!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The sun was heating up his body. The wind carried a taste of sea salt into his nose and the roaring ocean drowned the conversations of the other beach visitors.  
> Rafael got up into a sitting position and took off his sunglasses that had rested on his nose since they had left the hotel. He naturally searched for his missing part."

Rafael felt embarrassment when he watched his boyfriend covering himself in sun cream like a ginger haired English person.

“Do you want me to look like a lobster?”, Sonny commented.

Rafael did not admit out loud that this would be even more embarrassing.

“Would you do my back?”, Sonny asked holding out the bottle of sun cream for him.

“Lucky for you, you're pretty”, Rafael said when he took the sun cream. While rubbing the cream, with sun protection factor fifty, repeat fifty, on Sonny’s broad shoulders, Rafael added: “I guess this is where my Hispanic genes dominate your white ones.” Rafael had never experienced a sunburn in his life.

“You won’t use sun cream?”, Sonny asked. Rafael only replied with a _“tsk”._ “And for the record, dating a white guy does not give the moral high grounds to toss around racist jokes”, Sonny added.

“No”, Rafael contradicted. “Dating a Hispanic doesn't give you the moral high grounds to toss around racist jokes. If a white person makes fun of Hispanics, they'll always be racist. I, in return, can safely joke about white people.”

He patted Sonny’s back when he was down. Sonny turned around with a punitive look on his face, but he did not say anything. Of course not. This was the kind of argument that you can either use in your favor or point out as racial bias when used by the defense in court. It went both ways, but only positive ways.

 _God,_ he missed court.

“And don’t say ‘dating’. We're not fifteen”, Rafael warned.

Their hotel was just a few minutes away from the beach. Sonny had not even bothered to wear on a t-shirt for the short walk which Rafael did not appreciate.

A pang of panic suddenly hit his chest when leaving the hotel. They had never been outside, together, in daylight before. Rafael sincerely hoped Sonny would not try to hold his hands. It would be nice, but wouldn’t it be awkward, too? Two grown men holding hands like preschoolers.

Rafael realized in this moment that he had never really been outside with someone, with a lover, male or female, except for Yelina, nearly two decades ago. So it was not as like he would know what lovers do when they casually walk the streets in order to get from one point to another.

 _What lovers do_ , Rafael thought.

As if every pair of lovers does the same thing. Rafael should know what _he_ wanted and not what some broad, anonymous audience wanted from lovers in general. _It should not be this hard_ , was what Rafael thought about his twist of thoughts.

He took in a deep breath.

As usual, Rafael wanted to keep his private life private. Public displays of closeness did not fit into that idea. Fortunately, Sonny indulged Rafael’s silent wish and did not initiate any tender contact. In contrast, Sonny basically jumped up and down beside him like an overly excited puppy.

They passed a wooden-panelled promenade that in its archaic way would perfectly fit in a Western movie, if there should ever be one in need of a beach. A green verge divided the beach and the wooden promenade, but the green was merely brownish. The unusual dry summer had done the dirty deeds for Climate Change. The beach, they ultimately found, was… fine. Not Florida, so to say.

Sonny made a beeline for the ocean. Rafael on the other hand lay down on a towel. The sun pressed down his eyelids and within seconds he had drifted off to sleep. Rafael didn’t know if it was an irony or in fact a logical consequence of his unemployment the last eight months, but when you did not have anything to do all day, even small things become hard to do. When Rafael started the day easy, lying on the couch with a book, even buying groceries from the supermarket around the corner suddenly seemed to be such an exhausting thing to do. Might that be the reason why the three and a half hour car drive had implanted the need for a nap in Rafael.

Rafael slept deep and without dreams. Probably just the right length of the famous power nap. When he woke up, he was not sure for a moment whether he had slept at all.

The sun was heating up his body. The wind carried a taste of sea salt into his nose and the roaring ocean drowned the conversations of the other beach visitors around him.

Rafael got up into a sitting position and took off his sunglasses that had rested on his nose since they had left the hotel. He naturally searched for his missing part.

He spotted Sonny, around twenty yards away from him, talking to a woman. There was a gigantic water mattress placed in his hand and Rafael could only guess that Sonny’s massive kindness must have dictated him to help this poor woman to pump up her unnecessary water utensil. _Stupid bitch_.

She was petite, she had very dark skin. A tiny nose, a tiny mouth. Her black hair was styled in a bun that exposed her dainty neck. She wore a bronze bikini that highlighted all her benefits, her small curves, her golden shimmer.

Sonny talked to her with his big Italian gestures and his gorgeous smile. She laughed exposing her perfectly white teeth.  
Sonny was not even wet. So he must have been standing there talking to her the entire time that Rafael had been asleep.

Sonny had a huge hickey on his neck, for _crying out loud._ So he obviously had sex within the last twenty four hours. _That does not bother her?_

Rafael could see that Sonny did not even really look at her. But the jealousy rushed through Rafael’s veins and threatened to be overwhelming. Rafael knew Sonny would not like it. There was only one way to end the jealousy and that was to end this situation.

Rafael quickly jumped up. He approached the two, gently put a hand on Sonny’s waist, before his boyfriend could see him.

“Come on, Sonny, let’s swim”, Rafael purred and let his hand stride over Sonny’s back while he went on going towards the water.

He kept walking and heard Sonny’s apologies behind him: “Sure. Sorry, but I gotta go. See you around.”

Sonny jogged and was next to Rafael after a few steps. Rafael fought the urge to put a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. But he could not help turning around to get a glimpse of that woman.

Her mouth formed an _“oh”._ Astonishment outdid possible jealousy on her part. Rafael estimated her to be around twenty years younger than him.

_Great, this is what he's competing with._

“Raf, you’re so jelly”, Sonny complained to him.

“I'm jelly?”, Rafael answered cockily.

“Yes, jelly. Like Staten Island for being jealous.”

“Jelly has the same amount of syllabi like jealous.”

Sonny just shrugged his shoulders to Rafael’s remark.

“It makes no sense”, Rafael stressed when they were already ankle deep in the water.

“You're just trying to distract me from your unjustified jealousy”, Sonny remained unaffected.

Rafael sometimes forgot that Sonny was a detective.

And a lawyer.

“I also don't appreciate the overuse of the word ‘like’”, Rafael added.

The water was cold. There was no way Rafael was going to swim. His balls crawled back into his crotch when they touched the water. Sonny seemed unaffected.

“What?”, Sonny drew his brows together.

“Is it Staten Island slang for jealous or is it only ‘like’ Staten Island slang for jealous?”, Rafael said without using his fingers to underline the actual air quotes, because he was convinced his words sufficiently made the point.

“You gotta go back to court, man”, Sonny only commented.

With his arms stretched in front of him, he dipped his whole body into the water and swam away.

Rafael found the water too cold.

* * *

 The remainder of the afternoon, Rafael had spent lying in the sun. Scrolling through his phone, he had himself updated on some news. It was frustrating. The news. Not the beach, or the sun, or the sea.

Sonny spent nearly two hours somewhere in the water. Rafael admired this energy. This man had not even had a weekend.

When Sonny finally approached him, there were water drops crawling down his boyfriend’s body. The sun reflecting in the water drops was exactly the sight that Rafael had hoped for.

Rafael looked up to him. He wanted to lay him on the spot.

Sonny must have understood that from his expression, because he gave him a dirty smile in return.

“You're turning… red”, Rafael informed him.

“As we’ve established earlier, genes.”

* * *

 

In the evening, they ate scampis of the very color Sonny was going to turn into.

They had chosen a small restaurant, remote from the promenade, that served fresh seafood. They peeled the scampis with their fingers. An act Rafael would never share with anyone else. The point knives and forks were in invented, was in order to avoid those unpleasant looks of people with remainders of their food all over them. But the scampis did taste better this way, licking the flesh from fingers.

“Actually, I think I should be more worried about you than you about me”, Sonny said.

It took a while for Rafael to find context between carcasses of crustaceans. He finally understood and felt embarrassed. His jealousy. And ultimately, Sonny was even right. Rafael could see why people call him an asshole.

“I don’t know what you're talking about”, Rafael said instead paying a lot of attention to the scampi in his hand.

“You slept with all those people”, Sonny continued.

He was right. Aesthetics having been the more or less the only criteria for Rafael’s choices. The only thing that Rafael held onto, in this moment, as a possible savior for his pride, was the fact that Sonny felt secretly offended.

“Well, now I have you”, Rafael said, giving Sonny the sweet words he loathed for, because he knew this was the only way to change the subject, away from him.

For what it’s worth, it was a sentence he kept repeating, in his head and out loud. Indeed, Sonny’s face lit up in a warm smile.

“You know that I would never cheat on you, right?”, Sonny asked sincerely.

He wouldn’t. He really wouldn’t. And Rafael knew that. He had the impossible luck to be with the most honest and loyal man in the whole wide world. Very often Rafael thought he did not deserve him.

“I know”, Rafael gave in. _You're wonderful_ , he could have added.

“And of course, you would never…, too”, Sonny put the words in Rafael’s mouth.

Rafael looked into his face.

“How would anyone answer ‘no’ right now? ‘No, I would cheat on you’”, Rafael said his snark.

Seemingly exhausted, Sonny let his scampi fall on the plate and pressed air through his teeth.

“Rafael”, he pleaded simply.

“It's a valid remark.”

“Raf, do we need to talk about this?”, Sonny now asked seriously.

“About what?”

Sonny ignored Rafael’s sarcasm. “I mean, the last four months when we were ‘only’ sleeping together…” Sonny made use of the air quotes before taking another scampi in his hand, “you were making it very clear, that we weren't exclusive. So maybe now we should spell out the rules.”

 _A relationship shouldn't have any rules,_ Rafael thought. _The people in it should simply have the same understanding of life_.

Sonny continued when Rafael did not say anything. “Like, both men and women,  aren't…”

“Nobody touches you”, Rafael interrupted him, very firmly, very loud, looking him straight into the eye.

“Okay”, Sonny smiled. _Damn it_. He got him. “And nobody touches you, likewise.”

“Yeah, yeah”, Rafael said, trying to sound casually.

“You know, it’s like a double standard if you're oh so jealous but don’t bother to be hit on yourself”, Sonny teased.

“It's not ‘like’ a double standard, it is a double standard." Rafael was again pointedly not using air quotes. “But she was really hot, I give you that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know because I only have eyes for you”, Sonny answered sweetly.

Rafael hated himself for melting away under this worn out sentence. He even leaned forward asking for a peck on the lips. Sonny leaned over the table to gladly meet his request.

“You're adorable”, Rafael said honestly.

And because he was so adorable, Rafael allowed Sonny one stupid question over dessert. Only Sonny had dessert. After all, he was the one swimming around instead of lying around.

“Which celebrity would you bang?”

Rafael looked at his boyfriend for a while, thinking about clever ways to express his annoyance, but he had lost track of how many glasses of white wine he had and he was going to answer the question anyway.

So he opened his mouth to answer.

“And no dead person”, Sonny added in this moment.

Rafael pouted.

“Kate Upton”, he said after a while.

“This is interesting on so many levels”, Sonny said between two bites.

“Why?”, Rafael said amused.

To him, this was barely more than a humiliating moment in which he had remembered the woman and not the product of the advertisement.

“For starters, you told me a woman.”

“Jude Law.” Rafael shrugged his shoulders.

He scarcely knew any more celebrities by name.

“Even more interesting”, Sonny repeated.

“Why?”, Rafael loved Sonny in detective mode.

“Both tall, blond and white.”

Rafael widened his eyes dramatically: “I have a type.”

“Yes, and I feel flattered because you mostly dated Hispanics”, Sonny concluded with a wide smile. This truth just appeared to Rafael right in this very moment.

“You should”, Rafael nodded with a smile.

“You know, that's also like a double standard”, Sonny said slowly. “That you're with the persons you should be with while you secretly like something else.”

Rafael was impressed. He got him twice today. And this time, the top of Rafael’s declining pride, Sonny’s observation is really only “like” a double standard instead of being a real double standard.

Rafael was happy that he was going to have him as dessert tonight, instead of this chocolate banana crepe with ice cream on the side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, but I had to pick Kate Upton because that is the answer my husband gave me to this question. So I hope you will have the same feelings of "Where is this coming from?" when Barba picks her as I had when my better half picked her.
> 
> I am happy for every comment and kudos. Enjoy! Love & Peace!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "“God, you look so handsome with your tan”, Sonny had said to him. Of course, Rafael looks handsome tanned. His bronze skin shimmered, his hair glowed golden, his eyes seemed greener. Sonny had not left Rafael’s skin without the touch of lips or hands all day."

Bewildering how Rafael had been able to settle into a quiet life and relax his mind.

He himself would have never thought that he could live a life without putting perpetrators in jail. Most of all, a life without the intellectual challenge the law gave him. It was even valid to serve the dense metaphor that Rafael had been married to the law. Quitting eight months ago was like getting divorced. The abuse of the metaphor seems fair, because without the law Rafael’s life really seemed empty.

How could he not work, when all he did in his life was working?

Rafael turned his head to the man lying next to him. Sonny had drifted off into a post-orgasmic nap. Rafael knew that the answer to that question - besides the actual inner need to relax his mind - was him.

His tiny apartment with his balcony, the Scotch and the absence of endless hours filled with work had almost unescapably opened up a space in his soul. If Rafael was already doing one very uncharacteristically thing, like not working, he could also do another one, like letting someone in his life. The emotional challenge so to say.

And Sonny had made it easy for him, so far. He had been patient, cautious and calm. Exactly what Rafael had needed. Admittedly, on the evening that they had first met for drinks and ended up in bed, Rafael had been looking for nothing less than a sexual treat. But he had ended up finding himself comfortably leaning back into the more or less challenging conversations and the slow burn of his Scotch. Combined with incredible sex, his heart had gotten so light and his mind so free.

He had basically lived like a hedonistic hippie for the last four months.

Rafael closed his eyes.

A realization came over him that hurt him so deep in his heart that he felt a tear forming behind his eye lids.

He would have never gotten together with Sonny back when they still used to work together. Not even one case he would have put in danger in favor of their thing. He would not have given defense attorneys the chance to accuse him of fraternization. He would not have allowed the hardship that the image of sleeping with a younger, male detective would have put in his career.

What a miserable coward he was or had been. The senselessness of standing in the way of your own happiness.

The emotional challenge had not begun yet.

Ignoring his sleeping boyfriend, Rafael took one of Sonny’s hands and studied it. He gently kissed Sonny’s palm. Sonny woke up from the tenderness. Eyes drunk with sleep searched Rafael’s, Sonny threw an arm around his chest and buried his nose in his neck.

“You even feel better with your tan”, Sonny murmured against his neck.

Rafael smiled. After they had spent their second day like the first one, on the beach, under the sun and with sea food in the evening, they were blessed with rain on the third day. They had spent their whole day so far in the hotel room, banging each other’s brains out.

“God, you look so handsome with your tan”, Sonny had said to him over and over again.

Of course, Rafael looked handsome tanned.

Rafael imagined how his skin was carrying on the sun from the day before. His bronze skin shimmered, his hair glowed golden, his eyes seemed greener. Sonny had not left Rafael’s skin without the touch of lips or hands all day.

There was something deeply cathartic about being adored.

“You feel so hot and smooth”, Rafael heard Sonny take in a deep breath against his neck.

Rafael had a deeply satisfied smile on his lips and closed his eyes. Sonny’s scent found Rafael’s nose, sweet and salty. Like dessert and the sea.

After a while, Sonny lifted his head with pursed lips. Rafael pecked. Even though, they had spent like an hour in the morning making out with Sonny placed on top of him and Rafael’s legs twisted around his ass, Rafael found smooching deeply characteristic for a relationship.

Sonny leaned back and studied Rafael’s face.

“You know”, Sonny started. “I wouldn’t mind, if you wouldn’t live so much in your own head.”

Rafael sighed. He had expected that Sonny would expect things from him.

“Why ruin good sex with sap?”

“Rafael”, Sonny purred.

It was not even an expectation really, more like a substantial part of their new relationship. 

“What do want to hear?” Rafael gave in.

“You can share your thoughts with me sometimes.”

“I share my thoughts with you very often.”

“I think you're slightly misreading yourself.”

“Please”, Rafael said cockily.

“I don’t mean sharing your thoughts about the law or food or Hemmingway. You can tell me about fears, worries, plans…” Sonny used his hand while talking.

Rafael felt that it was an obligation to share.

He did not know, if that was necessarily a bad thing. The way Rafael understood relationships, he had a responsibility to make the other one happy. So he might as well share what he thought.

Ironically, the obligation made Rafael’s throat tight, making it harder to speak.

“Okay, what would you like me to say?”  
“Like now, for example, what are you thinking right now?”

Rafael sighed and looked into his lover's blue eyes.

 _You saved me_ , he thought. _From becoming bitter and old._

“You”, he said honestly.

Rafael found it sweet, whenever he spotted deep affection for him in Sonny’s eyes. It warmed his own heart.

“Will you elaborate on that?”, Sonny asked softly.

Rafael lifted Sonny’s chin with two fingers: “Only because you're good in bed.”

Sonny lifted his brows with a smirk. Rafael smirked back, but the smile soon faded when he found no words to summarize his earlier waterfall of thoughts. He looked away and bit his lips.

Finally, he said with his eyes fixed at the window: “I was wondering, when you'll wake up in the morning and realize I'm all wrong for you.”

Rafael returned his gaze on Sonny, after he had finished speaking the sentence out loud. He pressed his lips together firmly.

Honesty, also an obligation.

Sonny was taken aback: “Why would you say that?”

“Because you asked me, what I was thinking.”

Rafael got up and leaned against the headboard.

“You’re not wrong for me, you know that I'm crazy about you, right?” Sonny took a pillow and placed it under his chest.

 _I'm too old for you_ , Rafael thought, _I'm too old to give you all the things that you might want from life._

“There's nothing nice about me”, Rafael said. “I cannot even spent a day without hassling you.”

“Don’t worry, asshole is my type.”

They both laughed. _Yeah,_ Rafael thought. _That explains his soft spot for Rollins._

“I'm serious though. You shouldn't let me be mean to you."

Rafael’s heart beat like a drum. He didn’t know, if he had ever been this bloody honest in his whole life.

“I'm defending myself”, Sonny said with vigor.

“I know, it’s not what I mean”, Rafael took in a deep breath. “I mean, the last four months… I wasn't nice to you.” _Emotionally,_ Rafael wanted to add. _The heart of the problem_.

“It’s different now”, Sonny said. And it was indeed.

Instinctively, Rafael thought about one of the first conversations they had had two weeks ago on Saturday, their first official morning as a couple. Sonny had initiated their newly formed relationship with a rather awkward conversation.

“Rafael”, he had started. He had his head placed on Rafael’s chest in a post-coitus, newly in love kind of mood. Rafael had felt so comfortable in that moment.

“Mmm.”

“I don’t really know how to say this…”, Sonny had started.

“Using words preferably”, Rafael had replied.

“Trying to find the right ones”, Sonny had stuttered.

“Sonny, you can ask me anything”, Rafael had let his fingers wander through his boyfriend’s hair.

“Yeah… anyways… Okay… But please don’t make a joke.”

“I'm genuinely wondering now what you're going to say”, Rafael had been amused.

“Okay, here it goes. You know, for the NYPD we're required to do regular medical check-ups. And I just had my last one recently, a few days ago, and it turns out that… you know…”

“You're not dying." Rafael had nearly formulated a question instead of a tease.

“Thanks for making no joke.”

“I never agreed to that.”

“Turns out I have no STDs, no HIV or anything.”

Sonny had let the sentence end before its end and let it fill the room to find anyone else in there to fill in the final blank.

“Not surprised, but I appreciate the information”, Rafael had said, feeling but not understanding that he was missing the point.

“I mean, if you would also test yourself…” Sonny had went on and Rafael had wanted to interrupt him to tell him, he knew how to use a condom, when it had hit him.

 _The condom_.

It had taken a long time for him to let the gravity of Sonny’s unspoken request take in.

“Oh, I got it now”, Rafael had said lamely, hating himself for not having an eloquent snark ready at hand.

“Yeah, I mean…”, Sonny had gotten up, facing him. “You're not really allowed to say, sex with a condom isn't as nice as sex without. But you know…”

Rafael did not. He had literally never had sex without a condom in his life.

 _Oh god_ , he had thought in that moment, _he was less experienced than Sonny_.

Testing yourself if you got STDs when you're in a serious relationship would have never cracked the top ten of thoughts in his head. Obviously, he had needed too much time to answer, because Sonny had searched one of Rafael’s hands and started playing with his index finger: “So what do you say?”

“Yeah." _For the love of life, what does Rafael say?_

_That sounds good?_

_Let’s do that?_

_Sure, no problem?_

He had went for: “I’d like that.”

Rafael had deleted his browser history after actually googling which doctor he would need to go to.

“My partner and I want to have sex without a condom. Would you test anything, please?” Rafael had said to the attractive Asian female doctor, feeling absolutely stupid, like a teenager. Luckily, the test results had come back the same day, which was why condoms had not made it to their little trip.

But the sex was not, what was different now. The difference now was that the summer was over. They were on that matter, so Rafael might as well address it.

“It’s just…”, Rafael started. “The last four months, we just fucked and drank all the time. We didn't really share… anything of our lives with each other.”

“Isn’t that a good thing? That we will start doing thisn now?”, Sonny asked cautiously.

“I mean, nothing distracted us from fucking and drinking. I just occasionally got irritated by your beard hair all over the sink. But now... I have no empty drawers anymore, there is beer in my fridge all the time and my kitchen is organized.”

It was not because of his love for speaking in twisted ways, that he could not formulate the point. It was because of his disability to do so.

“I'll just pretend, you meant to compliment me”, Sonny said, looking up to him.

“I mean, life in the City is ugly. It’s loud, it’s stressful. I, uh, I'm afraid, that in the everyday life… that we'll have, it all won't be so great anymore.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

_He is so optimistic._

“Because you work so much. You need to get up an hour before me for work. You have all this family and friends. And if you're angry at someone, I'll be the first one there to have to hear about it. And I don’t know, if you find energy to keep keeping my kitchen neat while spending more effort on keeping your hair out of my bathroom.”

“You could say it's a perfect match, I'm keeping the kitchen clean and you the bathroom.”

“I mean it, Sonny. We've lived kind of out of this world so far. It won’t be so easy anymore.”

“Rafi”, Sonny sighed but smiled. “Of course, it'll be edgy. I also don’t like cleaning or waking up early in the morning. Everyday life is ugly. But you get to spend it with me. And you love me.” Sonny looked at Rafael as if asking a question.  _You could say it sometimes_ , is what Rafael heard.

It was a beautiful way to put it. So simple. Rafael wished, it were true.

He slowly nodded. Sonny smiled at him. He offered him his pursed lips and Rafael did not wait to peck.

“Don’t forget that”, Rafael added, heavy chested.

Sonny also got up and leaned against the headboard next to him. Their shoulders touched.

 _You need to tell your family_ , Rafael thought, _what if they make you choose?_

“So, what about your plans telling the squad?”, Rafael asked.

“I kind of did, actually”, Sonny answered.

“What? We were going to make a plan. _Leave the gun – take the cannoli_.” Rafael made his Clemenza impression.

“Well, I must've been in an exceptional great mood last week”, Sonny’s cheeks flushed. Rafael still loved that look on him. “Together with the fact that I showed up late last Monday, with a hickey…”, Sonny shot him a punitive look. _Dear lord_ , Rafael did not care at all. “And that I had to clear out a few free days for this trip, they didn't stop asking. So, I said to them: ‘I won’t answer you any of your questions, but I'll give you one essential information.’” Sonny had his two hands raised to set the scene. For some reason, he spoke in a lower voice while making an impression of himself. “That’s when I said it’s not a woman.”

“What did they say?” Rafael had to smirk imagining the situation.

“Oh god, you can’t imagine the look on their faces!” Sonny clapped his hands together. “Only Fin seemed kind of unimpressed. Liv was supportive of course, she said she'll always have my back. You know, in case there'll be problems. But Amanda was so surprised, surprised isn't even the right word. She couldn't wrap her head around it.” _She should have left her fingers off you_ , Rafael could not help thinking. “I mean, she asked me a lotta questions, like a lot. This is why I was a bit late on Friday”, Sonny added softly.

For the sake of their holiday, Rafael swallowed that one down.

“How do you feel now, having come out?”, he asked instead.

“It’s not so hard to tell friends. I mean, let’s see what happens, when the rest of the NYPD will know about it. I want to keep a low profile, anyway."

Sonny scratched his head. They had talked about it before. It was 2018, it had been more than twenty years that a public outing like Ellen DeGeneres’ had been necessary. More than twenty years, in which the idea of not being heterosexual had time to become something close to normalcy. Who you are with or not with should not be part of a public discussion, it should be natural. That is what they both wished for themselves.

“I hope the best for you”, Rafael said sincerely. Sonny nodded. _Hopefully._ “So, what did you say, when they asked you about who I'm?”

“I told them actually”, Sonny chuckled.

“What? And you're telling me this now? You deprived me of this story?” Rafael honestly felt a bit offended.

“Actually, they didn't believe me”, Sonny started laughing harder. “On my last day of work, I told them. I gave them your name, but they thought I was joking. I kind of let them believe, it was a joke.”

“So, we still have one big revelation left, ha?”, Rafael concluded.

“Yeah, they'll be even more shocked when they find out I actually did them the truth." Sonny smirked mischievously at that thought. “I thought about sending them a selfie of us.”

Rafael passed on rolling his eyes over his boyfriend’s embarrassing selfie passion. _God,_ he seriously allowed him to make selfies with him.

“But then you wouldn't see their faces”, Rafael determined.

“Exactly”, Sonny agreed with his detective voice. They both laughed.

In one smooth, sudden move, Rafael placed himself on Sonny’s lap. He held his face close to his and wet his lips.

“You're so sexy with your tan”, Sonny said under his breath. Their lips met and Sonny willingly parted his lips.

“To my offense, they thought you could do better.”

“They don’t know you in bed”, Rafael replied. “To my offense, consequently.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consequently, the next chapter is about telling the squad.
> 
> Kudos to my readers. I am happy if you enjoy. Love & Peace!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's really true", the squad screamed out. It really is Rafael Barba!

For as rare as these calls were, Rafael took the opportunity happily.

Liv had called him on Thursday afternoon: “I have the rest of the day off, would you like to come to an early dinner with me? I need alcohol.”

 _Friends choosing to share their time with you, is something that you cannot appreciate enough_ , Rafael had thought to himself in that moment.

They met in a little restaurant and were sitting at a small table at a big window that provided them with a more or less pleasant view to the streets of New York City. People wearing no socks, as dictated by present fashion, passing by along with the endless machinery of traffic moving around them, set a scene of rather dubious charm. Admittedly, the voyeurism of watching these people for only a second of their lives over a meal inhabited a kind of satisfying fascination. After all, isn’t this how television works?

Fortunately, Liv had relinquished to tell him the reason why she needed alcohol.

Anyways, their alcohol of choice was resting on their table. Rafael smiled while listening to another spree of Noah Porter Benson’s magnificent achievements. He listened to at least half of it. They enjoyed their salad with grilled goat cheese. Rafael had insisted on not going to that Italian place close to Liv’s house, because it felt somehow senseless to him as he was having his own little Italian restaurant right in his own kitchen.

The last days of their short vacation had passed like the firsts. Filled with sexual attraction basically. And the stupidity of being in love. They had managed to squeeze in a trip to Dewey Beach as well as to Delaware Seashore State Park. On which day what had happened in which order, Rafael didn’t remember. He did not care.

In the evenings, they had always ended up in the same restaurant eating various kinds of fresh sea food. Rafael had felt the heat of the day on his skin and his cheeks had hurt from smiling. He remembered the intense blue eyes of his lover, his beautiful smile. He remembered that Sonny’s skin had surprisingly tanned a shade darker. His hair on contrast had turned lighter. Rafael had adored the fine, blond hairs on Sonny’s arm contrasting with the slightly tanned skin. He had adored how his silver temples were more highlightened by the light gold hair.

In bed, he had buried his nose in those temples, they had smelled like sea salt and Rafael’s favorite shampoo. He remembered, how the white wine accompanying the sea food went cool down the throat, but provided them with a silly feeling in the head. Rafael had not been able to stop smiling at the man opposite him. Quite frankly, when this memory came to his mind while watching the New Yorkers at the other side of the window, a big smile appeared on his face.

Rafael looked up when he realized that Liv had stopped talking. She studied him with a knowing smile on her face. She must have watched him pining over his vacation only a week ago.

“So how are things with your…?” She gestured her hands in front of her.

“Are you searching for the word ‘boyfriend’?”, Rafael asked her amused.

“Last time we talked, he was just ‘someone’”, she replied, tilting her head in her apology.

“Well, now he's ‘boyfriend’”, he answered.

“Good for you”, Liv said and opened her mouth to ask more questions, but the waiter came by with a new bottle of Chardonnay.

White wine again. Rafael started to miss Scotch.

Rafael felt unease answering this question, especially to her. She knew him, but did not knew about him.

The last lunch, Sonny and Rafael had had together on the wooden Rehoboth Beach promenade, he had started to feel tense. _Back to the City, h_ e had thought. _Back to “real” life_.

Sonny had sensed his awkwardness and had suggested: “We can still have that. What if I cook us a nice dinner next week, we have wine and we fuck…” They had both goofily laughed at this point. “And it'll be just as nice as now.”

With hope in his chest, Rafael had answered: “I’d like that.”

The dinner had not happened yet, since they came back only four days ago. But they had spent every night together. Sonny came by late night, after he had visited his parents on Monday. He had come by late night, after he had visited his oldest sister and niece on Tuesday and Rafael had come by, after Sonny had spent the evening at Amanda’s on Wednesday. Thank god, Sonny was going to see his remaining two sisters at the same time tonight.

They had not decided yet, where they would meet up later.

So all in all, they had maintained or even gained more closeness than Rafael could have imagined. Still, Rafael did not trust the afterglow of their holiday.

“How's the squad?”, Rafael changed the subject.

Liv took the bait: “Everyone’s fine. You should see Fin in Grandpa mode. Just the other day, he bought him a little police costume. He even asked Carisi to do a photo shoot of the little man wearing the cop dress up”, she chuckled and so did Rafael. _God,_ he missed to be there. “Speaking of Carisi, you can't believe what he told us last week.”

Her whole face lit up in anticipation of Rafael’s reaction.

 _Oh, this should be good._ Rafael would get a glimpse of Liv’s reaction to Carisi’s big secret.

“What is it?”, he asked innocently.  
“He told us, he's been dating a man”, she widened her eyes and turned the palms of both her hands up in the air.

Rafael needed to take a sip from his wine in order to prevent himself from laughing out loud.

Liv was slightly shaking her head: “Who knew?”

"I wouldn’t have guessed”, Rafael answered honestly.

Back when they had been working together, Rafael had really been convinced that Sonny Carisi was straight.

Lucky for Rafael, Liv continued to talk about Carisi without him having to ask.

“He just took a trip with this guy last week. You should see him, he's glowing all the time. It's nearly as bad as Fin being in love with his grandson.”

The Chardonnay must have gotten into her head, because somehow she shifted the conversation to their children’s illnesses and vaccination.

Rafael’s phone buzzed.

   S: _Seafood tmrw? Or did u have enough last week?_  
   R: _We can use the protein_  
   S: _Frutti di Mare it is_

Rafael put his phone back on the table.

Smirking about their little conversation.

When he looked up again, one more time he found Liv having stopped talking.

“You're in love”, Liv smiled.

Rafael gave her a look saying nothing. He took his phone in his hand again, but there were no more messages.

“Oh my god, you're not even trying to deny it." 

Liv leaned forward, studying Rafael’s face.

He did not answer.

Liv smiled, she was genuinely happy for him: “So, tell me about him. Will I ever meet this man?”

Rafael sighed. He leaned back and watched the people behind the window. She was his dear friend and it was really nice sitting here in this restaurant with her.

“You do know him already”, he said simply.

He turned his head to Liv aiming to see her reaction. She looked puzzled.

“What do you mean?”, Liv asked.

Rafael turned his head towards the anonymous crowd outside of the window.

He said every following word very slow, one by one, giving each word meaning.

“It is Detective – Sonny – Carisi.”

He let out a small laugh, as if he could not believe it himself. He stared a bit at the people passing by in front of him behind the window glass. Then he turned his gaze back to Liv. Her lips formed a smile, but her eyes formed a question.

“Really?”, she started talking. “I mean, isn’t he…”

“I know…” Rafael breathed out heavily. Shaking his head in disbelief.

“I thought, you didn’t like him”, Liv continued.

“Well, liking is a huge understatement.”

Rafael closed his eyes and shook his head.

He could not believe that he was saying these words out loud.

Liv’s face was full of warm affection: “Good for you.”

“For him, too, I hope”, Rafael replied. “He’s just…”

He sighed and had no words.

Liv met his silence with a smile.

* * *

 

   R: _I told Liv it’s me_  
   S: _Thanks for talking to me before telling her_  
   R: _We were on the subject_  
   S: _U met with her today?_  
   R: _Yeah, just now_  
   S: _And u talked about me?_  
   R: _It just came up_  
   S: _I guess I can let u have this one_  
   S: _How did she react?_  
   R: _She was happy for me_  
   S: _And for me?_  
   R: _She did not specifically say that_  
   S: _Ok, lets talk later. I head out of here in an hour_  
   R: _Come to my place_  
   S: _Ok, cu_

Shortly before Midnight, they both cuddled up under a blanket on Rafael’s balcony. The summer was slowly leaving New York City and autumn was sending cold breezes.

Scotch burned welcomingly down Rafael’s throat.

“I'm drunk since six o’clock, or even earlier than that”, he said in a scratchy voice.

“You get kinky, when you’re drunk”, Sonny replied, giggling.

“As if you mind”, Rafael smirked, feeling his cock twitch at the memory of what had only happened an hour ago.

“Absolutely not”, Sonny chuckled at the same memory. He let his head fall on Rafael’s shoulder.

“Liv won’t tell anyone, right?”, Sonny asked.

“Not before you, no”, Rafael confirmed.

“I think, I should really take a video when I tell them”, Sonny contemplated.

Rafael burned down the rest of his Scotch in one go.

“Just bring me another drink, I'm in no mind to plot evil plans.”

* * *

 It was Tuesday evening. Rafael was on this very balcony, Sonny was late. He felt chilly, waiting for Sonny, for their newly daily, or better nocturnal routine to start, when his phone buzzed.

   S: _U know whats better than vid?_  
   R: _What?_  
   S: _We're stuck with paper work. What if my white knight of a boyfriend did us a solid & turned up with coffee?_  
   R: _On it_

Rafael smirked. He would be there to see their faces. Evil plan indeed.

   R: _Film them anyway, just in case_

When Rafael showed up in front of the precinct’s doors with a pallet of coffees in his hands - he knew he had remembered the SVU’s coffee preferences correctly - he felt weirdly nervous.

He took his phone in his hands. There was no going back from this point.

Life would start.

Besides family, the most important people in their lives would know.

He wished, he would wear a tie he could smooth. A suit jacket, he could button up and down. Next week, he would start wearing those again, his new job would start.

He looked up at the building of the precinct. He missed it. But it was the past. Now he was here with coffee.

   R: _I’m downstairs, prepare my entrance_  
   S: _Drama queen_  
   R: _What a surprise_

The elevator doors opened at the floor of SVU. _It was going to be all right_ , he told himself, _with them_.

He cautiously stepped out of the elevator. He could see the squad at their desks. Sonny had indeed arranged the scene well, in case he really had a hand in the way the SVU detectives were placed.

Sonny sat with the back to him. Rollins and Fin were sitting at Fin’s desk comparing some documents. Liv was sitting on the edge of Fin’s desk next to Amanda.

   R: _I'm here_

He saw Sonny jumping up to the sound of an incoming text message. He read the message.

   S: _Ready when u are_

Sonny switched his phone to the side and pressed a button to start the video. Rafael took a deep breath.

_Stage fright, did he even know this feeling?_

He imagined to be in court, getting up and stepping forward for the final argument. Here goes nothing.

“A birdie told me, someone needs coffee”, he said casually when he walked in, swinging his hips. He came to stop next to Sonny and put a hand on his sitting boyfriend’s shoulder. A rather possessive gesture.

Liv, the only one in the knowing, was smiling sweetly at him. Encouragingly.

Fin opened his mouth as if to say something, but only laughter came out. He leaned back and clapped his hands. “This is fantastic”, he said as if he was the host of a late night show praising himself for great entertainment.

Rollins in turn looked completely dumbstruck. Rafael observed her gaze searching Sonny’s eyes, inquiring. He could not see happiness in her face, this was why his hand stayed on Sonny’s shoulder.

Sonny bit his lip, he was amusing himself.

Rafael put the coffees on Sonny’s desk, himself having a smug smirk on his lips.

“I have so many questions”, Fin announced.

This was when Liv started laughing. Sonny joined them. Rafael played cool.

“Give me my coffee”, the Lieutenant said to Rafael. He handed her the coffee, Latte Macchiato with brown sugar. A smile finally found Amanda’s lips, but she shook her head in disbelief.

“All that bickering, was that foreplay?”, Fin asked.

Rafael drew his brows together in an admonishing manner. He shook his head in order to undermine his intention to dismiss that question, when he saw out of the corner of his eye that Sonny was nodding.

Now he turned his head in shock to his boyfriend.

Sonny, the phone in his hand still recording, just shrugged his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a plattitude. Your comments are really amazing. I have so much fun writing this, what you have to say about it is just honey to my soul. Thank you from the depths of my heart.
> 
> Thanks and cheers!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They awkwardly stood opposite each other. What now? The question between them.  
> Uncomfortable silence.  
> Rafael started unbuttoning his shirt."

After their revelations, Rollins had had the glorious idea that Rafael could join them when Sonny came over to help her with Jesse.

“No, thank you”, Rafael had said to Sonny.

“Why not?”, Sonny had asked, not unoffended.

“Well, baby poo comes to mind. And baby vomit. And whatever comes out of a baby”, Rafael had answered coolly.

“C’mon! I'm taking care of that, you just sit and have dinner”, Sonny had purred.

“YOU are taking care of _that_?”, Rafael had asked in open shock.

“Yeah, what did you think ‘helping her with the baby’ means?”

“Well, I certainly had hoped not _that_ ”, Rafael had said in disgust. He did not understand this relationship Rollins and Carisi have.

“I'm a man of many talents”, Sonny had tried to light up the mood.

“Your bedroom ones are enough for me”, Rafael had snipped.

“C’mon, Raf, some trash TV and food and conversation, just come along please”, Sonny had pleaded. “For me?”

“No”, Rafael had replied a bit too quick and too short-worded, he had not even bothered to put on a sorry-face.

“Why not?”

Rafael had realized at this point that Sonny had felt upset, but he could not really demand from him to spend an evening in a tiny flat with a crying baby and _Keeping up with the Kardashians_.

“I'll bring you a good bottle of Scotch”, Sonny had promised.

“No, thanks”, Rafael had repeated.

“Why not?”, Sonny had asked again. _Had he always been this stubborn?_

“We're turning in circles here”, Rafael had responded.

“So answer.”

Not answering, like Rafael had really wished to, given the obvious ridiculousness of the content of the question, would have meant that Sonny was going to have the last word. No chance, he could let that happen. Pride exceeded reason.

“With her? Seriously? She hit on you despite knowing, you were seeing someone. And now she knows that someone was me. Does that not bother her at all? Or _you?_ You really want us three to spend an evening together? Well, then you might as well call whatever network is airing your trash TV, put on too much make-up and no need for the Kardashians anymore”, Rafael’s tone had been annoyed, but his voice not raised.

“She’s my friend”, Sonny had kept pushing.

Usually, Sonny Carisi ran around in circles, when he was angry. But if he was angry at Rafael, his words became scarce as his voice dropped silent. Not a good sign, that much Rafael knew.

“Yes, _your_ friend. Case closed”, Rafael had wished to put an end to this conversation, before it would turn into a fight.

“Does that mean, if you meet with Liv, you wouldn't take me along?”, Sonny had asked calmly.

“Um, yes.”

“Why not?”

“You’re like a child.”

“Would you give me a normal answer, please? Talking about being like a child.”

Rafael had sighed hard in response: “She's my friend. I want to sit with her and drown my sorrows in Chardonnay over praise of Noah’s achievements.”

“Have you ever had feelings for Liv?”

Rafael had wrinkled his brows. _Where had that question come from?_ If Sonny had really been jealous, then Rafael would have felt very pleased.

“No”, he had said simply. “Never. She's my dear friend.”

“You seem really close to her”, Sonny had added shyly.

“Says the one who can't be close to someone without falling in love”, Rafael had snapped, beyond annoyance.

“What?”, Sonny had asked taken aback.

“Rollins, me”, Rafael had only stated the evidence.

Sonny had given him a long look. Rafael had wished to know, what he was thinking. He had sensed that he had crossed some kind of line, but in his mind Sonny was being preposterous.

At last, Sonny had shaken his head: “What excuse should I tell her then?”

 _This man was good_. His last shot.

“I'm sure, you'll come up with something." Rafael had patted him on the shoulder. “Baby poo comes to mind.”

“Okay. I’ll tell her, you’re jealous then”, Sonny had gazed into Rafael’s face openly.

_He was good indeed._

“If you do that, I'll deny you my cock for a week.”

“Oh, Rafael”, Sonny tilted his head. “We both know you can’t do that.”

“Try me.”

Sonny had shaken his head again, gotten up from the floor in front of Rafael’s coffee table. He had taken the dirty dishes from their dinner into the kitchen. The small while that Sonny had needed to tidy up the rests of their dinner, Rafael had spent wondering if he had done something wrong. Sonny had returned to the living room with his beer in one and with a glass of Scotch in his other hand. He had handed the Scotch to Rafael.

He had leaned down to him and placed a kiss on Rafael’s forehead: “I love you”, he had said.

Rafael had felt a streak of white pain in his chest. A feeling, he could not quite identify.

Still thinking, he had been absolutely in the right the whole time, Rafael somehow felt the need to make up for it. This was why he went grocery shopping after work.

His stupid new job had started, it was so boring that he could not even bring himself to tell Sonny about it, regardless of him asking.

He invested a small amount of his new part-time salary in two steaks. He was happy to find trimmed, ready for cooking green beans in a plastic bag in the vegetable and fruit section. He also took a bag of potatoes and had all he needed.

When Sonny rang the door at half past eight, the food was already on the table. Rafael had spent nearly forty five minutes of his evening cooking, _what a waste of time_.

Rafael turned on some music he had downloaded to his phone for this occasion. Beny Moré started playing from Sonos boxes. During his childhood, his mother had played this music whenever she missed Cuba.

Undeniably, Moré had a rather depressive touch on love.

Rafael suddenly panicked. _Was is it too much_? Before Sonny arrived at his door step, Rafael quickly turned the music down to low volume.

Walking into the scene, Sonny’s face lit up in surprise. He even slowed down his steps. He listened to the mystical love song and let his gaze trail over the table.

Steak, beans and mashed potatoes. Scotch for Rafael, beer for Sonny.

“You cooked?” Sonny, astonished as he was, could not be less blatant with his huge smile on his face. _He was happy about every little bone I throw him_ , Rafael thought. He felt sorry, with himself.

He liked the look of happiness on Sonny.

Sonny approached him, lowered his head to give Rafael a long kiss on the lips. Sonny’s lips were soft, warm and most of all his.

They sat down on the table and Sonny’s blue eyes were basically glowing. Rafael took a big mouthful of his Scotch. His usual, Laphroaig Quarter Cask. Distilled on the Isle of Islay, this lonely island in Scotland, from where you can see Northern Ireland if the weather is fine.

“It’s an anniversary”, Rafael said, trying not to sound shy, but the beating of his heart gave him away.

The fork had already been on the way to Sonny’s mouth, but he stopped the motion. He turned away his gaze into nothingness, trying to figure out which anniversary Rafael was talking about.

“Six months”, Rafael helped him. His heart suddenly felt so heavy in his chest. But he was happy, he really was.

Sonny smiled small and beautifully.

“The first four months count?”, he asked.

“We were a work in progress then”, Rafael joked softly.

“I like that”, Sonny answered just as softly.

Blue eyes met viridians. Both of their hearts jumped.

“So all this is romance?”, Sonny asked, especially pointing at the beer bottle next to the simple plates. Rafael tilted his head punitively. “It’s really crappy”, Sonny whispered with his gorgeous smile.

“You knew what you were getting into”, Rafael answered, unoffended.

“You're cute”, Sonny said smiling, if possible, even wider.

“I just turned forty eight. I'm not cute.”

His birthday had been one week ago. He had spent it with his mother over dinner, and in bed with Sonny during the night. But Sonny had insisted that they would go out on a real birthday date, Rafael's choice. The date was still awaited.

Sonny finally led the fork to his mouth. And stunned.

“That tastes really good, actually.”

Rafael pushed air through his teeth: “Everyone can get some ingredients together.”

“No offense taken”, Sonny said offended. “Why do I cook all the time then?”

The conversation went on easy. Rafael had missed Sonny during the day. On the days, Rafael did not have to work, Sonny sometimes came over during his lunch break. Classic booty call. If only sucking his cock wouldn’t be so delightful.

“I miss your beard”, Sonny said to him.

Rafael bit his lip, in anticipation. During their vacation, he had also enjoyed the feel of Sonny’s stubbles on his skin.

“You were also handsome”, Rafael said therefore.

“Romance and a genuine compliment, Rafael, how do I deserve that?”, Sonny teased him.

 _By your simple existence_ , Rafael thought. _You deserve to be met with the same kindness that you give so unconditionally to anyone you meet_. The kindness that seemed so hard to come by for Rafael.

“Hey, um…”, Sonny took in a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”

“Fire away”, Rafael said with a full mouth, being not unpleased himself with his own cooking performance.

Sonny cleared his throat: “I'm planning to tell my family about… me. That I'm bi. And after that I want to tell them about you.” Rafael felt Sonny’s gaze on him. “Is that okay?”

Rafael’s mind froze, but his body kept himself busy with poking the fork in the food on the plate. Sonny had asked so cautiously.

If their bubble had not burst before, it certainly had now. Rafael needed to concentrate on his plate.

“Isn’t it early?”, he tried, very casually. “We’re only dating two months.”

“You just said, it’s six months”, Sonny’s voice was incredibly soft. “And it’s not just dating.”

“Anyway, we don’t need to rush”, Rafael tried to argue, tried to hold on a glimpse of rationality.

“Six months is a while.”

“Is it?”

“For me, it mostly did not last that long.”

Hearing these words, the knot in Rafael’s chest tightened.

“It’s still early, we have time”, Rafael tried again.

“We know each other for years. It seems right”, Sonny answered. The time they had had together seemed so little to Rafael. He wanted more of it. He felt like it was too early to start risking it. “I don’t want to lie to my family”, Sonny continued, deadly silent.

_What if they are not fine with us?_

Rafael could not follow this line of questioning, neither in his mind or aloud.

“You did this all the time, so far”, Rafael replied calmly.

“Yeah, just like you. There was no reason to upset them, as long as there was no one special…” Sonny fell silent for a moment. “I don’t want to do this anymore.” Sonny did not look at him, when he added: “You're really special to me.”

It would be the easiest thing in the world, to simply say the same back. Not just because Sonny wanted to hear it, but because it was true. With an aching chest, the words didn’t come over Rafael’s lips.

“Don’t you want to tell your mother?”, Sonny asked, very carefully.

“No”, Rafael was happy about his firm answer to that question, at least.

He even managed to look Sonny in the eye. There was this deep, worried line between his boyfriend’s eyes. These beautiful, blue eyes. That _he_ was hurting.

“But… You're with me”, Sonny said as if he didn’t find the word ‘relationship’. “Don’t you want to share that with her?”

“She won’t be happy anyways. Why should I put this burden on us?”, Rafael tried to sound confident, but he heard his own voice shaking.

“So you just avoid the problem then”, Sonny didn’t ask a question.

“It's not a problem, because she doesn't know about it”, Rafael raised his chin.

“What if I want to get to know her”, Sonny insisted.

“Well, I don’t need her approval. I just meet her for dinner sometimes, she doesn't have to know”, Rafael tried to be insisting, too. He felt so weak.

“You can’t be serious”, Sonny shook his head.

“Oh, I am”, Rafael said. “I won’t upset her, unnecessarily. It’s not worth it.”

“I’d like to think, that we're worth it.” Then he added: “That I am worth it.”

Rafael needed to swallow hard in order to prevent tears from coming into his head.

He was worth it. He is so worth it, that Rafael rather not risk him.

“What if you get sick?”, Sonny continued. “And you're in the hospital. What should I do then? Go to your mother and tell her? Oh, by the way, Mrs. Barba, your son likes men.” Rafael rolled his eyes, but Sonny continued nonetheless. “I'm your son’s partner, I also have a saying in your son’s health.”

Sonny had raised his voice. Not much, but only because he had been speaking in a low voice before. But his voice, his beautiful soft voice, shattered in Rafael’s ears. He managed to look Sonny in the eye. He knew that Sonny wanted him to say something, answer. But how should Sonny understand that Rafael just could not? Rafael’s throat was tied tight.

_What if your family makes you choose?_

“Or if you die”, he heard Sonny’s voice continuing in the distance. “She wouldn't even know that there are things we shared. Maybe, I couldn't even come to your funeral.”

Rafael painfully understood in this moment, that Sonny was rationalizing.

“What she thinks has no influence on us”, Rafael said, as calm as he could. “And this why I will not tell her. Not now. With time.”

 _Give me more time to become someone who you would not risk_ , Rafael thought.

Sonny nodded, slowly. Rafael read in his boyfriend’s face that this was enough, for tonight. It was his decision what he was going to tell his mother. What Sonny would tell his family, was his decision.

“But I will tell my family”, Sonny stressed. “And I would like to introduce you to them.”

“Do you think, they'll even want to meet me?”

The sentence came out easy, as the question was valid.

“They will have to”, Sonny said assertive.

Rafael doubted his confidence in the Staten Island Italian Catholic clan, but he did not want to push the matter. Sonny’s wrinkles had smoothed after all.

“I'm sorry, I didn’t want to ruin this”, Sonny apologized, pointing his fork to the coffee table in front of him. “Let’s not talk about this topic. Not tonight.”

“Yeah, better”, Rafael agreed. _Thank god_.

They both took in a deep breath.

Luckily, Sonny Carisi did not allow uncomfortable silence: “So, how was your day?”

Rafael realized in this moment, that Sonny had never tried to give him some cute pet name.

“Uh-uh, you don’t want to hear about the depths of traffic law”, Rafael shook his head affirmatively. “So, how was your day?”

“You don’t want to hear about another rape”, Sonny said just as confidently. “Come on, tell me about your work.”

“Sonny, I handle DUIs. It’s just that, alcohol and cars.”

“It’s better than speeding tickets.”

Rafael shot him a deadly look: “That’s what you thought I was dealing with?”

“How should I know? You don’t tell me anything”, Sonny replied.

Rafael caught the ruse. No one needed a lawyer for a speeding ticket. Rafael sighed.

“It’s really boring. Don’t make me bore you with this. The clients are all pathetic people with a family and a drinking problem”, Rafael tried to give him a sweet look.

“Then tell me about your colleagues.”

Sonny was so stubborn tonight, but Rafael managed to not roll his eyes. Rafael gave Sonny pointed, borderline insulting characterizations of his colleagues to set the scene of his misery of a workplace for him. For him to understand why it was absolutely needless to talk about it.

But Sonny heard something else in his story: “Do they know about me?”

This man was pretty, but talking to him was like walking in a mine field tonight.

“Sonny, they're meaningless.”

“You see them every day.”

“It’s a part-time job.”

“So two and a half days a week”, Sonny stretched his back. “They don’t know about me then.”

Rafael sighed. Panic seethed in his chest again.

“I've only been working there for a month, I don’t socialize with them. If it comes up, I would tell them about you”, Rafael’s voice had been strong, it was not a lie.

“They must have asked you. What did you say then?”, Sonny insisted. Was Rafael that cruel to him? “They must have asked: ‘Are you married? Do you have a family?’ What did you say then?”

Rafael smiled a sour smile. Finding him attractive when he was coming to a conclusion like a detective was distractive.

Rafael’s temporary colleagues had asked him exactly those questions when he had met them the first time.

“No children, not married”, Rafael had answered.

Rafael sighed. He was sitting on the couch, no longer busy with his food. They had both finished their plates. Sonny was sitting on the floor opposite him. Rafael did want to feel so defensive anymore.

“Sonny”, he said very silently. “I think you worked yourself in some state of rage there. I really don’t think, I did you wrong this evening.”

Sonny pressed his lips together. Rafael could see his anger, he didn’t agree.

Sonny said nothing, he took the empty plates and brought them into the kitchen. Rafael was suddenly afraid that Sonny was going to walk out of the door. That somewhere between the lines of his words, Rafael had said something that made him leave. Rafael got up and walked around the coffee table, but Sonny had already appeared back in the living room.

“I'm sorry, Rafael, I don’t want to ruin our anniversary. ‘Cause it's really nice what you did”, Sonny said, genuinely apologizing. The endless kindness he gave to people, he nearly never received it back, Rafael reminded himself in that moment. “Let’s just leave these topics behind us for tonight.”

Rafael slowly nodded.

They awkwardly stood opposite each other.

 _What now?_ The question between them.  
Uncomfortable silence.

Rafael started unbuttoning his shirt.

He slowly stepped towards Sonny. He took his face between his hands. They kissed each other softly. Rafael felt Sonny’s hands on his waist. His hands slid over Sonny’s cheeks to his shirt that he started to unbutton. When his hands had opened the last button, they carried on to the zipper. The two men quickly stripped each other off their pants and shirts. All this time, they kept kissing each other tenderly.

Rafael’s hands slipped under Sonny’s undershirt. He felt the heat of his skin. Which was just the right feeling, just what Rafael needed. When he pulled the undershirt over Sonny’s head, their lips parted. Rafael took a moment to gaze into his lover’s eyes. They had turned ocean blue from lust. It felt good to be wanted. Sonny was already breathing heavily. Sonny’s affection sent shivers down Rafael's spine. Sonny lowered his head but kept his lips close to Rafael’s, not touching.

Their eyes were searching each other. They both wanted the same, they confirmed each other with their exchanged gaze.

Sonny stripped Rafael off his undershirt. Rafael took Sonny by the hand and led him to the bedroom. By the time they fell on the bed, their underwear had also went off.

Rafael’s hands travelled over Sonny’s strong back, his shoulders, his ass. Sonny’s fine hairs erected on his skin. His muscles tense. He felt Sonny’s hands on his own cheeks.

Their kiss deepened.

Rafael felt Sonny’s heat going over into his body. His dick was already pulsating, Rafael pulled Sonny’s body tight to his and grinded his hips. He felt Sonny’s hard dick in the softness of his stomach.

Sonny moaned into his mouth, but Rafael wanted to hear these sweets sounds of affection in full expand. He interrupted the kiss and studied Sonny’s face.

As if Sonny understood, he wrapped a hand around Rafael’s dick. Sonny’s eyes became watery. A heat spread in Rafael’s lower stomach when Sonny began stroking. Rafael’s hand searched Sonny’s dick and did the same. Finding the same rhythm, it was almost as if they were feeling the same sensations.

Rafael watched Sonny’s face when he came. His orgasm was intense, because Sonny’s eyes went shut. Redness shot into his face and an impossible groan came over his soft pink lips. Rafael’s own orgasm came before Sonny opened his eyes again.

* * *

 

Next day Rafael felt sorry. He did not really know why. In his opinion, he had not said something wrong nor had he lied or even raised his voice.

Rafael went to the copy room of his workplace. The office had a photo printer, because that item was important for the pathetic existence of a law office handling traffic cases. Rafael connected his phone with the printer via Bluetooth.

First, Rafael opened an email that he had sent to himself in the morning from his laptop. It was an old photo of him, Mami and Abuelita from the day he had graduated Harvard. A time where he had managed to do something right. Next, he opened the message feed with Sonny. He directly abandoned the feed again and switched his boyfriend’s contact name from “ _Det. Carisi_ ” to _“Sonny”._ Then he scrolled through the sheer endless amount of photos that Sonny had sent him during their vacation. Rafael chose one.

After the photos were printed, Rafael went back into his office.

He had no secretary.

His desk was white, Rafael didn’t like it.

Laying on the desk, there were two picture frames. He had found them in a drawer at home in the morning. His mother had given him those as a gift years ago. She must have hoped that these frames were of use for her son. Either her son already had a use for them or would have one in the future.

The frames were small, for regular sized photos and simple. Rafael put the two pictures in the frames and placed them on his desk.

His loved ones were facing him now.

In the other photo, there was him and Sonny.

It was a selfie that Sonny had taken of them in the Seashore Park during their vacation. The weather had been sunny that day. Sonny had praised the lightning and truly, they both looked exceptionally handsome in that picture.

There were heavy colors of the blue ocean and the green trees in the background. They both had a beard and a blissful smile in their faces.

Rafael admired Sonny’s beautiful face, the soft structure that the edgy bones shaped. The way his face wrinkled in a perfect way when he smiled. Sonny’s eyes were deeply blue, well matched with the intensity of his own green eyes.

The happiness he should keep.

Rafael lifted his phone and took a photo of his desk. He sent it to Sonny. Without words.

It took two hours, until the two little checkmarks turned blue.

   S: _Ur so sweet_  
   R: _You’re so sappy_  
   S: _I didnt mean to push u, but thank u_  
   S: _It means a lot_  
   R: _They find you handsome_  
   S: _Cant compete with u though_  
   R: _Of course not_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To you readers, you are simply amazing! Your kind and nice words that you find for my story. I am truly without words.
> 
> So I am so sorry that I will have to let you wait for the next chapter until next week. Wedding season needs to be finished up.
> 
> Speaking of time, I recognized that following Barba's departure from the show, my little Fanfic came to a point where it started playing in the future, although written in past tense. This made me google EDT, the time zone automatically set for Archive of Our Own. Turns out, I am living seven hours ahead of you guys. Isn't that funny.
> 
> Love you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cinema date and Rafael's worries about meeting the parents

Rafael missed the theatre, Broadway or simply a good concert. But somehow, these were all things, he could not imagine to share with Sonny. The picture in his head just didn’t fit. So he had been simply unresponsive to Sonny’s bugging about his birthday date.

Rafael knew, that Sonny basically only cared about was the date-part, so he could have suggested anything. But Rafael was too bothered with the birthday-part, so he was too grumpy to suggest anything.

Then, finally, Sonny had had enough: “There's a tiny cinema in Brooklyn showing _The Godfather_!”

“If you suggest cinema in order to tease me about my age, I'm not amused”, Rafael had said darkly.

He had successfully and free of any trouble entered the age of first Amazon Prima and then Netflix.

Sonny had just smiled his warmest smile and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“You know how sexy you are, Rafael Barba”, Sonny had huffed.

And Rafael’s stomach had turned upside down. He loved hearing this. Because of this and because he remembered Sonny with his loose tie, open vest, rolled up sleeves, messy hair and Scotch in one hand doing his Corleone impression on Rafael’s balcony on their first night together, Rafael agreed. _If Google Maps had only been there this night_ , Rafael thought. He would give a lot of money for a shot of his boyfriend in that moment.

The cinema was small. Dark, smelly. Without air. Cinemas used to be such a big thing.

Rafael could not for the life of him remember why.

They sat down in the back. Half of the seats in the cinema were occupied. Rafael had successfully refused popcorn and drinks. Sonny had only accepted it, because they were full due to his homemade dinner.

Rafael got bored as soon as the previews started. But he didn’t care. _What was this man next to him there for?_

Rafael spun Sonny’s face around and started kissing him. He felt Sonny smiling against his lips. _This is how you die a happy man_ , Rafael thought.

The lazy kiss slowly had turned into a deep one by the time the movie had begun. Sonny leaned in, pushing Rafael to slouch in his seat. Sonny’s lips left Rafael’s mouth to spread kisses along his jaw and neck and… suddenly he was gone.

Rafael forced himself to not laugh out loud in anticipated excitement. Sonny was between his legs and undid his zipper. Next, Rafael felt the tip of Sonny’s tongue drawing lines on his erecting penis. Rafael felt like the whole cinema must hear the smirk on his face.

He himself had prosecuted a couple having sex in cinemas once, many years ago. So Rafael did his best to be quiet despite feeling the warm wetness of Sonny’s mouth around his cock. The couple back then used to have sex in first row, Rafael told himself. And during Disney movies.

Rafael felt the heat in his crotch soar up his whole body. His cheeks burned. His ears burned. His skin started sweating under his clothes. He wanted to be naked.

“Good boy”, he whispered but Sonny couldn’t possibly hear him over the movie.

So Rafael closed his eyes, put a hand lazily into Sonny’s hair and just concentrated on the feel of Sonny’s mouth.

Sonny’s tongue felt so soft against his hard dick. Sonny licked him with seemingly endless patience. Usually, Rafael spurred him on to speed up his efforts. Luckily, there was no one else with them in their row. Sonny put his lips around the head of Rafael’s penis and gently sucked. Rafael liked it harder and Sonny knew that. Sonny was trying to make him squirm.

Rafael slouched deeper into the seat. He didn’t care. Not even his seething orgasm waiting to break out could destroy the easing he felt by giving himself completely into the feeling. Rafael was out of his mind, literally.

Sonny started bobbing up and down. One by one, Sonny took Rafael in deeper, until his throat closed around Rafael’s dick. He had never taken him in so deep and Rafael was about to orgasm nearly from this alone. He felt saliva dripping on his pants. Rafael put his hands on Sonny’s head and gently lifted him up a bit, so that his penis was out of Sonny's throat but still in his mouth.

And Rafael came. All the heat of his crotch drained out into his hard orgasm. All the moans and groans accompanying his orgasm stayed inside of Rafael, because he did not want to be heard.  Rafael lifted his hip up a few times to give a few unmotivated thrusts into Sonny’s mouth.

When Sonny let go of him, he quickly got up in search for Rafael’s mouth. Rafael smirked against Sonny’s lips when he tasted himself within the kiss. They swirled around the cum in their mouths until their tongues got lazy.

Rafael felt so relaxed.

Sonny ran a hand over his mouth, when he finally let himself fall back into his seat. Rafael only closed his zipper and fastly kneeled in front of Sonny. As if it was meant to be, the cinema had a carpet. Rafael hated kneeling on hard floors.

Sonny’s body twitched, either in excitement or embarrassment when Rafael fingered for his penis. But Sonny couldn’t fake shyness, because he was already hard.

Giving Rafael a blow job must have turned him on.

Rafael loved Sonny’s cock. He loved to suck him. To lick his balls, his inner thighs, feeling his long limbs around him. It was nearly a shame that only Sonny’s long shaft was looking out of his pants in that moment. Rafael closed his eyes and shut out the sounds of the movie. He only concentrated on Sonny's penis in his mouth.

He worshipped Sonny’s length with brutal patience. He didn’t bother to accelerate thrusts or bopping. But he licked and sucked so slow and gentle that saliva was pouring all over his chin. Pure relish.

Just when Rafael was spreading precum from the top of Sonny’s penis with the tip of his tongue, Sonny’s hand grabbed his hair, insistently pushed his cock inside of Rafael’s mouth and came. Even his cum tasted delicious. Rafael wished, he could see Sonny’s face but the dim light from the cinema screen did not do him this favor.

Rafael smirked when he pressed his lips on Sonny’s. With extensive delight, he gave Sonny back his cum in the kiss.

Having missed more than half of the movie, they did not stick around but left the cinema right away. Back on the streets with the cold air of New York City’s fall against his burning red cheeks, Rafael nearly felt the urge to take Sonny’s hand.

“Detective, you should be arrested for sexual misconduct”, Rafael said inanely.

There was no way the smirk could be wiped off his face. The heart beat was still accelerated from the orgasm and endorphins rushed through his blood from the excitement.

“I have a good lawyer."

Sonny smiled his most gorgeous smile. Sonny put an arm around Rafael’s waist and because Sonny also couldn’t help himself, Rafael was pushed against the wall of a building and kissed. Instead of dismissing the situation for its simplistic foolishness, Rafael cupped his boyfriends face with his hands and was simply happy, with the people walking past them, probably not even noticing their private moment.

Even though Sonny’s apartment was nearer and the November air was cold, they decided to take a cab to Rafael’s apartment. There, they sat down on the little balcony, in their sweatpants, under a blanket. The smoke of the heating system's dust curled up against the brick walls of the neighbor's buildings. With a Scotch in his hand and Sonny on his side, the panorama did not matter.

Rafael was drinking 1770 Glasgow Single Malt. A rather dare, as Rafael thought. But the exceptionally golden color of the whiskey had made Rafael choose this bottle in the shop. He had always imagined whiskey to come from distant places in the Scottish Highlands, where only monks and tourists go. And not from an urban area. Scotch cannot be nice, if it matures with people walking along the wall of its distillery. Scotch should be surrounded by silence. But the spirit of the Glaswegian Scotch stood sharp on Rafael’s tongue. It burned down the throat hard and warmed up his head right away. 

Rafael cuddled himself into his boyfriend.

“You know, it’s not fair to use me like a hot-water bottle”, Sonny teased him. “It’s too late in the year to sit on a balcony in the middle of the night.”

“Don’t be whiny”, Rafael responded only. “You're a detective. You serve and protect. First of all me.”

Rafael felt Sonny smiling next to him.

“It’s a pleasure”, Sonny answered and took a sip of his beer. Rafael smiled contently. “I will tell my family when Christmas time starts”, Sonny whispered, probably knowing he was about to destroy the moment.

Rafael’s smile faded.

“You don’t need to rush, don’t ruin their Christmas”, Rafael said.

It was his secret and totally selfish attempt to push the inevitable far into the future.

In no place in his mind was he willing to meet the Carisi family. Not really because he thought about them in whatever stereotype of a Catholic or Italian-American or Staten Island family there could be, he did not know about their open-mindedness but given Sonny’s worries, the Carisi son did not really trust in that either.

More than that, Rafael was terrified by the thought, that if things come to the worst, Sonny would not turn his back on his family. Or worse, he would, and Rafael would be having to not accept that.

“I'm really happy. I feel confident with this… new thing. And this is why I need to share it with them”, Sonny contemplated.

That’s Sonny, he shares himself with his loved ones. Naturally and organically. It took a while for Rafael to let the words fully sink in.

“Wait, what new thing?”, he asked.

“You know”, Sonny only said.

“Being with a man? That’s not new for you.”

Somehow Rafael felt himself panicking, he hadn’t felt like this in a while.

“Not new, but… I was always… more like leaning to girls. So somehow I always thought I would end up with one”, Sonny revealed slowly whatever revelations he was about to make.

Rafael closed his eyes.

There used to be a time, when he used to look ahead into his future life with expectations in his mind. A long time ago, he also used to have the foolish, but pure idea of starting a family. Rafael had given that idea up with Yelina. Very soon in his life. Without ever looking back. Not regretting it. With decades going by, he had started to find the idea too neat. And this idea had become a feeling, not just an excuse for staying alone.

The hurt hit him hard and suddenly.

Rafael wished he would have met Sonny sooner. In a time, when Rafael still used to have the idea in his mind. Maybe, if he would have met Sonny, when he had been thirty years old, when the idea of a family had still been so far ahead of him. But Sonny would have been too young then, he would have been only twenty and about to have all these disappointing experiences with the men and women before Rafael.

Maybe, if he would have met Sonny, when he had been thirty five years old, when he had still been young enough to change his mind about an own family and to fight for their cause.

He would have had twelve more years with Sonny.

Maybe, if he would have just met him a few years earlier…

“I mean. Is that stupid? It’s just a commonplace. ‘Married with children’. But it's so easy to draw that picture and show it your family."

Sonny looked to Rafael out of the corner of his eye and gave him a shy smile. Rafael returned the gaze. But he said nothing and swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry”, Sonny said. “I'm just about to figure that all out for myself.”

“Do you want to tell me that you're in some kind of identity crisis?”, Rafael asked.

Sonny ducked his head as if someone frightened him.

“It’s just… as we're … like long-term…” Sonny searched for words. Rafael knew that he had avoided the word "forever" on purpose. “I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. But I mean, we're in for the long run, right?”

Sonny placed the gaze of his bright blue eyes on Rafael. He looked so innocent. Rafael understood, that Sonny was afraid to bring up these topics in the likely case Rafael would freak out about it.

 _He shouldn’t be like this_ , Rafael thought. But he kept his tongue still. Starting an argument for the sake of the argument was meant for a courtroom or a classroom, not for quite time on his tiny balcony with his loved one.

Rafael felt like a coward for needing his burning Scotch to swallow away the knot in his throat.

“Yes, that is what I want”, he said then all the more confident. Sonny’s lips formed a small smile.

“I'm wrapping my head around what this all means, for what I had in mind for my future”, Sonny explained. _That's not good_ , Rafael thought. “But don’t worry, I am finding my way”, Sonny added.

That was the moment. To address the core issue. The one that, after all odds, was going to drift them apart eventually.

_Do you want to start a family with me?_

But Sonny did not ask. Maybe this question was not on Sonny's mind. Rafael was too scared to ask.

“Maybe the Christmas spirit will help them understand”, Sonny added.

Rafael was sure that Sonny did not just say this as a platitude, but that he truly believed that.

“Do you miss women?”, Rafael asked, mainly to push the conversation away from the sensitive subject.

“Yeah”, Sonny answered.

“What?”

Rafael was seriously surprised, besides being terrified for Sonny missing something in their relationship. Sonny was not particularly shy about worshipping every inch of Rafael’s body nor seemed there to be a time when he was not willing to engage in sex, with him, a man.

“Don’t worry, Rafael, we have sex nearly every day. I could barely do it more often. I'm very, very satisfied”, Sonny soothed him.

Rafael tilted his head and widened his eyes. _Really?,_ he thought. Rafael was astonished every day about how often Sonny could go.  
Rafael shook his head. He was tired. So he poured down the rest of the Scotch.

“Let’s go to bed, you need to get up early”, he said to his boyfriend.

The Scotch buried the heaviness of the conversation and allowed Rafael to sleep comfortably and wake up lightly.

He awoke in the morning from Sonny’s alarm. Rafael had no work this day, but he got up nonetheless after Sonny was done showering and shaving and dressing. He still used to walk Sonny to the door. Mainly because he didn’t want to miss out on a goodbye-kiss.

After their lips parted, Rafael still held onto Sonny’s elbows. He studied his boyfriend’s face, smiling.

He took the moment to appreciate the fact that this person in front of him was his boyfriend, his partner.

Sonny's cheeks were still red from shaving. But his mouth played a warm smile. His blue eyes shone bright and open. And even the wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes were simply beautiful.

Rafael hated himself for this.

He would miss him all day.

Not even a whole day, they would only be apart around fifteen hours.

He could tell him that. He could tell him to skip gym in favor of a work out on the mattress. He could tell him to screw dinner with Gina and just gossip with her over the phone while sitting next to him on the couch.

Sonny would appreciate that. Very much.

“I love you”, Rafael said instead.

Sonny’s face lightened up. Not without surprise.

“I love you, too”, he whispered.

He brushed his soft, warm lips on Rafael’s. Then he made their foreheads rest on each other and made no move towards leaving.

“Go”, Rafael sighed. “Otherwise you can't miss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love & Peace! I am thankful for every single one of your responses.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want you to meet someone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and his mother talk to each other in Spanish, but I cannot write in Spanish. High school is too long ago. So sorry, just imagine them talking Spanish.
> 
> We jump ahead to Christmas. In a perfect world, this chapter and the followings should be posted during Christmas time, but I hate holiday themed stories anyway, so here you go.

Just in the moment when Sonny came from the kitchen to put some homemade biscotti on the tiny coffee table, Rafael had hung up the phone.

He had experienced something like an epiphany while talking to his mother. Or maybe it really was the Christmas spirit. Whatever it was, he had invited her over. For breakfast on this very morning of Christmas Eve.

“Wear one of your nice shirts”, Rafael said to Sonny.

“Why?”, Sonny asked back.

“Because my mother's coming over”, Rafael replied matter-of-factly.

“What?”

Sonny’s movements slowed down. He raised up his two hands. His face horrified.

“Yeah, I invited her just now." Rafael nodded to the phone still in his hand. “I told her, I want her to meet someone.”

Sonny nervously rubbed his hands: “I thought you didn't want to tell her.”

“Yeah”, Rafael made the word long. “It was like a leap of faith. I don’t know. I just invited her, before I could change my mind.”

Actually, his mother had sounded so excited when he had used these exact words (just in Spanish): “I want you to meet someone.” A sentence that wears so much weight, when a son says it to his mother. It was so heavy that there was nearly no way to meet the expectations coming with it. In this moment, his mother was probably dressing up and putting make-up on in speed time with the prospect of meeting a nice woman who, if odds were in her favor, maybe could make her a grandmother after all. All those years that his mother had waited and Rafael did not say these words to her – “I want you to meet someone” - had probably not lowered her expectations.

Even if his mother had probably already settled with thought that her son would stay the eternal bachelor, she would not be satisfied with less than the best for him. After all, there must have been a reason, it took so long for her son to find the right one.

Rafael bit his lips while observing his boyfriend panicking.

Sonny was destined to be disliked by her, on so many levels.

Sonny gestured around in an all Italian manner that his mother was going to hate:

“But here? Is that right? Should we not like go somewhere… to a fancy place?”

“She said the same actually." Rafael smiled at Sonny’s educated guess. “But there's no way, she is _not_ going to make a scene, so she can as well do it here without anyone around being forced to watch the drama.” _Or tragedy_ , Rafael added in his head.

He looked at Sonny who anxiously glanced over the coffee table that only contained the pastry so far.

“I figured, you were going to make too much to eat anyways”, he said with a warm smile addressing his boyfriend’s unspoken worries.

Rafael put a hand around Sonny’s waist and gently rubbed a finger over the fabric of his t-shirt. Not that it would help, but Rafael somehow felt the need to encourage him.

“Does she even know that she's meeting man?”, Sonny asked skeptically.

He was right. Rafael could have started with getting her used to that idea first. But telling her everything one by one would only prolong the misery unnecessarily.

“No”, Rafael answered.

Sonny sent him a look as if Rafael caught a sudden case of mental illness: “And she has absolutely no idea that you're actually into men?”

“Well, we never talked about it. But I guess she knows why my father used to beat me up.”

Rafael fumbled with the sleeve of his sweater. He was already going through his dressing options in his head. And Sonny’s. If Sonny was going to be at the receiving end of a shit storm by his mother, he could at least look good meanwhile.

“What?”

He heard his boyfriend’s soft voice. Rafael looked up. Sonny’s eyes displayed so much affection, it was almost too touching. Rafael replayed in his head, what he had just said.

He had kind of naturally assumed that Sonny knew everything about him, it was only in this moment that Rafael realized that he had in fact never told Sonny about his father.

“Your dad did what now?”, Sonny asked him sympathetically in a very silent voice.

Rafael opened his mouth but only to breathe out.

“Let’s not talk about this now. Mami will be here in like an hour”, he said finally.

“How come you never mentioned that?”, Sonny asked still in a soft tone.

 _Because that was such a long time ago_ , is what Rafael thought. And he really did not want to.

“Sonny, now isn't the time. Let’s talk about this some other day”, he therefore insisted.

Sonny stared at him intensively with his eyebrows drawn together. Slowly, Sonny seemed to accept that Rafael was right. The priority now was that spirited bunch in form of his mother heading their way. Sonny bowed his head to place a gentle kiss on Rafael’s lips.

Rafael felt that his boyfriend wanted to tell him that he was there for him no matter what. Spelled out loud, the words would appear like an empty phrase. But placed in a kiss, they were genuine.

Rafael never knew that it was possible to love someone this much.

He slapped Sonny on the ass: “Go do your magic in the kitchen, while I shower.”

Without another word, Sonny swirled around to the kitchen. He was so cute, when he was nervous.

Nearly exactly one hour later, they were standing shoulder to shoulder in front of Rafael’s door waiting for his mother to come up.

They both had combed their hair neatly. Rafael was wearing brown trousers, a beige cardigan and a steel blue shirt. No tie. Sonny was wearing taupe trousers with a matching vest, a dark grey shirt and a lavender tie.

He lightly bopped up and down on his feed. Rafael put his hand on his boyfriend’s forearm, gazed at him out of the corner of his eyes and gave him his most confident smile.

Rafael was very calm. Maybe numbly calm.

It was wrong to say he did not care how his mother would react. He did care. About his mother. But in the end, it was not going to matter. No matter what was going to happen, Rafael knew the outcome. He would stay with Sonny. Even though he loved his mother and she was his mother, he could not be without him. The realization was painful but simple. And had come to him four months ago.

When Rafael and his mother had spoken on the phone earlier, she had talked about some teacher working in her charter school. She had used the words “...good man. He is a good man”. Hearing these words, Abuelita had appeared in front of his eyes. It was a small memory. Abuelita had been talking to Mami and Rafael had been in the room, too, doing homework or something. He had been fourteen maybe. Abuelita had said to his mother: “It's hard to find a good man.” Rafael had understood just now, that Abuelita had meant his father.

Rafael felt Sonny’s heat at his shoulder. Standing there waiting for his mother to come up, Rafael suddenly missed Abuelita so much. He wished with all his being that she would be with his mother coming up the stairs right now. “Here he is”, Rafael would have said to her. “I found him, I found a good man.” Abuelita would have made the same scene his mother was going to make. But Rafael imagined that one day, Abuelita would come to him in a silent moment and whisper the advice to him: “Don’t let him go.”

That was what Rafael was planning to do.

So he just kept his smile on his face.

When his mother arrived at the door, she was glowing of excitement. Rafael kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. Then she spotted Sonny and her face frowned in confusion.

“Mami, that's who I want you to meet”, Rafael said softly with his warmest smile that only Sonny was able to get out of him.

Sonny eagerly held out his hand for her. “I'm Dominick Carisi Jr., you can call me Sonny.”

Rafael could not help himself, but he grinned furtively. The situation was nearly absurd. He could almost feel in his mother’s place all the things she did not like about Sonny in this moment. Taken aside that he was not a woman, Sonny was too excited, over the top. Rafael himself had disliked this attitude, when he had first met Sonny.

Rafael had briefly considered to tell Sonny beforehand to keep it down a bit, to at least not use that “call me Sonny”-line. But it had only been a short thought. Sonny is the way he is.

For what it was worth, Rafael was happy that his mother was polite enough to slowly shake Sonny’s hand.

Then she shook her head. “I don’t understand”, she said.

That being said, she stalked past her son into the living room. She threw her coat and purse with too much verve over the armchair onto the floor. Lucia spun around on her heels.

Unfortunately, Rafael’s flat was a product of the lack of living space in New York City which was why it was not blessed with either lighting or space.

But even in the unflattering light and the cruel narrowness that Rafael’s living room provided, his mother could as well have been one of those divas who arrive on stage in the second act and own the room.

His mother’s cheeks were flushed dark red beyond her excessive use of rouge. Spinning around, her hair had nearly gotten out of place. Her brown eyes flashed angrily. She put her hands on her hips.

Rafael kept smiling.

His mother started talking to him in an insistent tone of voice. She also changed the language into Spanish.

“I thought that was just a phase”, she said to her son.

“What was a phase?”, Rafael asked tranquilly.

“Fooling around with boys." Mami’s voice was dangerous.

“It was not. And this isn't ‘fooling around with boys’.”

“What does this mean then?” She pointed a flat hand into the air as if she’d address an audience.

“What does what mean?”, Rafael asked again in patience.

“So that means that all of the sudden, you're gay?”, Mami responded furiously.

“No, I'm not”, Rafael sighed.

“What is this boy doing here then?”

Mami swirled her hand around in the air again and Rafael followed that movement with his gaze. He sighed.

He turned to Sonny and addressed him in English: “You can make coffee, cariño. This will take a while”, he touched his arm.

Sonny gave him a gorgeous smile. _Yes,_ this was the first time, Rafael had called him a pet name.

“And get the Champagne”, Rafael added while Sonny was already disappearing into the kitchen.  _Don't we have something to celebrate?_

Rafael turned his head to his mother again.

He was still calm.

Mami let herself fall into an armchair and Rafael followed her lead and sat down on the couch. This was the moment to discuss everything and he was willing to be patient.

They kept talking in Spanish.

“First, he's not a boy”, Rafael started. Lucia pushed air through her teeth in response. “And second, it's possible to like both women and men.”

“What?” His mother raised her brows. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“It's not ridiculous, it is who I am, Mami”, Rafael said evenly, but his smile had faded. He needed to push himself to keep his voice down.

Lucia touched her forehead with a hand.

“Then be with a woman, Rafael!” Her voice in contrary was at top volume. Rafael raised his chin. “Your Abuelita would turn around in her grave, if she knew about this.”

“I think, Abuelita would be happy for me”, Rafael said silently, meaning it. He wished he would wear a tie that he could soothe out.

His mother let out a hysterical laugh: “You think so?”

“If she saw how happy he makes me." Rafael not being able to help himself pouted like a rebellious teenager.

His mother swooshed her well-manicured finger in front of him in an attempt to cut him off: “Let me make you understand this, I had already given up the idea that I'll see you get married in my church or that I'll have grandchildren. Okay, that's fine. Well, it's not fine. But it is what it is. I got used to that idea. I can accept that. But why, for the love of god, are you coming up with… this now?”

“Mami, it's not in my hand how and when I meet someone”, Rafael explained insistently, not really understanding what his mother tried to tell him.  _Not just someone, the love of his life actually._

“You're a man. Men get more attractive with age. Get a younger woman. Then you can still have an offspring."

His mother nearly screamed.  _She obviously can't be serious._  In an attempt to channel her anger, she took the cup of coffee in front of her in her two hands.

At some point, Sonny must have come back from the kitchen and put the coffee cups in front of them without saying a word. His mother took a sip of the coffee. For a moment, she looked delighted.

“That's delicious”, she commented.

Rafael could not help a small grin, he guided her look to Sonny who was sitting quietly on the couch drinking his own coffee. Lucia followed Rafael’s gaze and was even more furious.

She put the coffee cup back on the table with too much strength.

“Look, Rafael, my dear son. My beloved son." Lucia falted her hands together, apparently forcing herself to be calm. She shifted her weight in order to lean in close to him: “You know Dolores, right? Her daughter just got divorced. They had no children. She’s end of thirties. Let me set you up with her. It's perfect. You two can….”

Rafael interrupted her: “I don’t want to, Mami.”

“But I insist." She could have basically spat the words in his face.  _There goes calmness._

Rafael on the other hand, uncharacteristic for fights between them, stayed calm even though adrenalin was pumping through his veins: “I'm with someone now, I have a boyfriend. Get used to it.”

“A boyfriend?”, his mother shrieked. “A _boyfriend?”_

She was tasting the word as if that would help her understand her son better.

“Yes, a boyfriend." Rafael nodded.

“He's not even Latino”, Lucia barked at him.

“Mami, please”, Rafael raised a hand in a calming manner. Now she started being really ridiculous. 

“You can't throw everything away for this white boy."

His mother reached for the flute with Champagne. Rafael had not noticed that Sonny had also put those in front of them.

“What, Mami? What?” By now, Rafael finally raised his voice, but only a bit. “What am I throwing away, Mami? Your church friends? Your reputation at school? Don’t tell anyone then.”

“Father Mike wouldn't approve”, she said in a lethal tone.

“I don’t care about Father Mike. I care about my partner. I care about him”, Rafael responded.

His mother shook her head desperately.

“Why, Rafael? Why are you doing this?”

“I love him, Mami”, Rafael said simply.

That was the only truth. He looked into his mother’s eyes, confidently. It seemed like she had no words left. Maybe she did not think of that possibility, that her son was actually in love.

“And he's really nice, Mami”, Rafael said and they both knew that he was secretly implying that his mother’s spouse had indeed not been a nice man. “He's good for me. If you would care to get to know him, you would see.”

Lucia’s eyes sparkled. Her lips were a thin line. She twirled the Champagne tensely around in her glass. She took it to her lips and emptied half the glass.

“Okay, then let’s start again”, she said in English.

Mother and son turned to Sonny who startled.

Apparently, he had just sat silently on his spot on the couch, lost in his own thoughts.

Now, he quickly straightened his back and put a big smile on his face.

He took the Champagne glass in his hand.

“What was your name again?”, Lucia asked with a forced smile.

“Dominick Carisi Jr., but you can call me Sonny”, Sonny answered with his too loud voice.

“And why would I do that?”, his mother asked with her smile still intact.

“Because everyone calls me Sonny.”

She studied Sonny’s face for a while. Then turned to her son.

“You do that, too?”

“Yes”, Rafael answered simply.

Lucia blinked. She shot her son a look as if he was crazy. She turned back to Sonny.

“Well, your Christian name is fine for me, Dominick.” Rafael was secretly happy that she did not go for Mr. Carisi.

“You used to work with my son, right?” Lucia remembered correctly.

“Yes, we worked together for like four years, until…”

Sonny stopped himself. His face burned red. He was struggeling. _Until I killed that baby_ , Rafael thought.

Mami had been very profound of the idea that the little baby had been basically dead already and Rafael had saved him and his parents from more suffering. She had been very keen to advocate this idea amongst the church members and her colleagues. It had worked.

This would not be the reason why Rafael will ruin his mother’s life.

“He's a detective, Mami, but he also passed the bar”, Rafael closed the gap.

Lucia shot him a look like saying “that does not impress me, son”. She turned to Sonny again who was not disconcerted at all. Rafael loved this confidence in him.

“Are you Catholic?”, his mother correctly assumed.

Rafael thought to himself that this was probably the only thing in Sonny’s favor.

“Yes, I…”, Sonny started.

“Do you go to Sunday Mass?”, Lucia interrupted him.

“Yes”, Sonny nodded enthusiastically. “I go nearly every week with my family on Staten Island.”

His mother shot Rafael a look instilling a bad conscience in him for not doing the same. Nearly every Sunday. _And_ with his parents.

“Staten Island?” Just like Rafael, Lucia had never been there. Because why really? “Your parents are still alive?”

“Yes,…” and Sonny started chatting.

The way he slouched on the couch with his long limbs and gave unimportant information he was not asked for, nearly made Rafael himself roll his eyes. Without looking at her, he knew that his mother disapproved of this behavior.

Nevertheless, looking into her face, he saw that she was actually listening. That was impressive, given that Rafael was still the asshole that did not listen to Staten Island stories half of the time.

“Dominick, refill the Champagne please, will you?” His mother held her empty glass up. “And will you bring me also a new coffee, this one got cold." She nodded to her coffee cup.

Before she had finished the sentence, Sonny had jumped up.

“Of course, Mrs. Barba.”

Lucia's gaze followed Sonny rushing back into the kitchen with.

“Do you like him so obedient?”, she asked her son in Spanish.

Rafael took a moment to ignore the sexual nature of her question.

“He's not as obedient as you might think”, he answered.

Sonny came back and his mother kept on questioning him.

Just as she intended, Sonny squirmed under her questions but he did his best, staying stubbornly friendly towards his mother’s discourtesy.

When Sonny said something about Midnight Mass, Rafael decided to give his boyfriend a little break and interrupted the interrogation.

Addressing his mother, he informed her: “I'll go to Christmas dinner to Staten Island this evening, so I won't be able to make to Midnight Mass with you, Mami.”

Lucia said nothing, not a good sign. Lethal silence.

She swirled around the Champagne flute, her eyes sparkling. The corner of her mouth went up to a deadly smile.

“But I come to you tomorrow for breakfast”, Rafael added, ignoring her expression.

 _Yes,_ that was another reason, why he had invited her over. He had put off explaining her that he was not going to spend Christmas Eve evening with her for as long as possible. Talking on the phone in the morning had finally been the moment, but Rafael had still struggled to find the words. Was it not just fair that he told her the truth to her face? That he was going to spend Christmas Eve with his partner’s family instead of with her.

His mother, without a comment, wet her lips and turned back to Sonny, she continued with the torture.

Lucia ended up drinking three of Sonny’s coffees. And they had opened a second bottle of Champagne. She pierced Sonny with questions and he answered with enthusiasm. Like Ying and Yang, hostility was met with kindness.

Rafael did not listen.

Maybe that was a mistake and his mother would end up knowing more about the Carisi clan than he did. But he could not find it in his heart to worry about this. He needed to ignore his panic in his chest.

He enjoyed the breakfast, Sonny had really outdone himself on this one. Slyly, Rafael focused on studying his loved ones’ faces. Sonny smiled, too strived for his mother’s approval that was impossible to receive anyway. His mother on the other hand, somewhere along the line of burning questions, had stopped to bother forcing her smile.

As expected, she did not like Sonny.

Considering the deep furrow of anger on her forehead, Rafael guessed that this was not Sonny’s fault.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Lucia leaned back. Apparently her interrogation was over.

With the flute of Champagne in her hand, she addressed Rafael in Spanish: “I found two good things about him, that he's handsome and Catholic.”

Rafael let a few moments pass before answering: “Would you talk in English please, Mami?”

Lucia examined his son with a lethal look.

During his childhood as well as during his adult life, this look used to shutter him to his bones. But now, Rafael held this gaze.

“Okay then." She started talking again in English, putting the glass down. “As it seems that you two already have plans for Christmas that I wasn't included in, I'm now deciding for the two of you, that you will come to me on the second holiday for dinner”, his mother ordered.

Sonny had actually ducked his head at her lamentation. Rafael himself was impressed by how hard his mother was indeed trying. The words usually did not come to her as eloquently in English as they would in Spanish.

Without further explanation, Lucia stood up and the two men followed her submissively.

Sonny helped her in her coat that he must have hung up at some point, unnoticed by Rafael and Mami. She held her purse in a firm grip.

“Merry Christmas”, she said.

“Merry Christmas, Mami” and “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Barba”, they both answered her as if talking to the priest’s wife.

“May the Lord be with you”, Lucia Barba said instead of a possible “nice to meet you” and closed the door behind her.

No smile, no handshake, no kiss.

Rafael heard the figurative rocks falling from Sonny’s heart. His whole posture fell from exertion to relaxation.

“Was that good or bad?”, his partner asked.

Rafael bit his lip. He seriously needed to think about it.

“Good”, he answered finally, honestly.

“You think, she likes me?” Sonny’s face lit up.

Rafael tilted his head in pity. He should have told him from the beginning that he had  never stood a chance.

He kissed Sonny on the corner of his mouth: “You did great, cariño.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am myself getting excited about what is ahead of them! I have so much fun writing and I am so grateful to have you guys reading my shit. Thank you for every kudos and comment and warm sentiment.
> 
> Love loud!
> 
> P. S.: If you are interested, there is something like a deleted scene on tumblr. Enjoy, if you like: https://mforpaul.tumblr.com/post/178002775529/advice


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelation, revelation. Is all I'll say.

What was he doing here?

He was standing shoulder to shoulder with his partner in front of that blue framed door with thick glass in Staten Island and he felt like his stomach would turn inside out.

He was an intelligent, eloquent person. And he should not be meeting parents at age forty eight.

They were dating eight months now. Four of which they called this a relationship. Rafael sincerely wished it wouldn’t end this soon.

Last month, on the first Sunday in Advent, Sonny had been in Staten Island for the big family dinner and had revealed to them that his special someone he was smiling about for so long was not a woman. Sonny had told how the table had dead dropped silent. Everyone had stopped eating but him. Like in a movie.

The Carisis therefore have had four holy weeks approaching the birth of their Savior to get used to the fact that their only son would introduce them to his boyfriend.

“I'll bring him home for Christmas”, Sonny had insisted.

He had explained to them how he liked both men and women, but Rafael was the one.

Rafael had not wanted him to tell them. It would not work out, was what he thought.

Likely, all they would achieve was to ruin the Carisi’s Christmas and probably, Sonny would lose his beloved family in the process or worse, what if he lost Sonny in the process?

There was no way in his head that Rafael could imagine them accepting their son and brother to be with an old, grumpy bad ass like him.

Sonny should not be out at thirty eight. Not for Rafael. But Sonny was stubborn.

After all, this was one of the reasons why Rafael loved him.

 _So here they go_.

Rafael was wearing a greyish blue three piece suit with a light blue shirt, no tie. “You're not at work”, Sonny had said. Sonny wore a dark purple shirt and a dark blue vest. It was amazing that dark colors suit him so well given his bright type and nature. Rafael had chosen the blue suit because it matched his partner’s eyes. Today of all days, he felt the necessity to show the world that he was able to underline Sonny’s benefits.

Rafael liked everything that made Sonny look good. Screw him, he liked his eye candy of a boyfriend.

Rafael studied his vague reflection in the thick glass of the front door. He looked like a Soprano.

The door opened.

He felt Sonny smiling his big smile next to him, but all eyes were on Rafael.

Mia, the niece was in the front. Behind her were the three sisters. Four pairs of blue eyes scrutinized him with curiosity. They looked at him from head to toe. Rafael would have given up a fair amount of his stock investments to be able to read their minds in this moment.

One of the sisters had a mischievous smirk on her face and a drink in her hand. That must be Gina. The other sisters looked friendly, but the niece was the only one smiling. The mother was behind the sisters pressing her lips together into a thin line and the father stood a few feed behind them in what must be the entrance to the living room, with a frowned face.

Rafael put on his most winning smile and shook all hands respectfully.

Sonny and Rafael had arrived on time for dinner, so without further fuss they all sat down on the dinner table. It stroke Rafael as interesting that there was no wine. But what should he talk, he was Cuban and drinking Scotch. It was probably racist to expect red wine from Italians. But at least from the aspect that they were all Catholics, there should be wine though, Rafael thought.

Yet again, here he was with his boyfriend. No need to keep up appearance.

“What do you want to drink, Mr. Barba?”

The mother asked him politely with forced friendliness. Rafael was not sure if he had ever even known her name. Bella and the mother were not drinking, Gina and Teresa had what seemed to be Gin Tonic and the Dominick Carisis had beer. He didn't like beer. He glanced at the women’s drinks.

“It’s Gin Tonic”, Gina helped him out. “I can fix you up with one.”

Rafael was relieved: “That would be lovely, thank you.”

The mother was also relieved and fell down into her chair.

So they had the Christmas dinner together at a huge dinner table in a tiny dining room.

Rafael found it absolutely delicious. It wasn’t very christmasy though. There was no point in having five different types of pasta and Rafael had been eating copies of these dishes prepared by Sonny’s hands for the past four months, but he couldn’t help having a second plate.

After some chitter chatter about Mia’s return to school and Tommy’s stay at a minimum security prison for parole violation, the mother turned the conversation to Rafael.

“Tell us about your family, Mr. Barba.”

Her smile was forced. She did her best.

Rafael cleared his throat and put on his most charming voice.

“My parents are both from Cuba. My father came to the US when he was twenty one. My mother came here when she was seven years old, with her mother and her older sister”, Rafael told.

“Where did you grow up?”, Bella asked.

“I grew up in the Bronx with my parents and my grandmother”, Rafael answered.

“Does your family still live in the Bronx?”, Teresa asked.

Rafael was not sure whether or not he had heard a punitive undertone in this question.

“My mother lives in Brooklyn”, Rafael responded. He quickly added: “My father passed away eighteen years ago. My Abuelita passed away three years ago. And my aunt lives in Florida and my father’s siblings have never left Cuba. So, it’s basically just my mother and me”, Rafael told.

He thought that he was talking too much. He felt Dominic Jr. smiling next to him. Dominick Sr. in contrast did not turn a hair.

“Where's your mother now?”, Mrs. Carisi asked concerned.

Rafael felt a pang of guilt appearing in his chest.

“She’s in Brooklyn helping at the church”, Rafael answered truthfully.

“Do you know Spanish?”, Mia asked. She was cute.

“That is in fact my first language, Mia”, Rafael stated with a small smile.

“Who taught you English?”, Mia wondered.

“Actually, I didn’t know a word of English before I went to school.”

“Seriously?” Mia’s eyes were wide open.

“How did you learn English?”, Teresa interrupted confused.

Rafael shrugged. “All the teachers in school were talking English, I kind of had to.”

After a few more questions about Spanish and Harvard, the conversation went back to Tommy’s stay in a minimum security prison and Gina’s ex-fiancés.

Sonny gave him a warm smile and Rafael smiled his warmest smile back. “I love you”, Sonny mouthed and he mouthed “love you” back.

Rafael figured that Sonny must have spent the last four Sundays telling them about him, so they had no reason of stabbing him with questions like his mother had maltreated Sonny in the morning. Rafael understood these few basic questions as a half-hearted attempt for polite small talk.

Could be worse.

Perfectly timed before dessert, a baby started screaming through the house. Bella’s daughter Lisa had been napping somewhere. She was teething or fevering or both or more. Rafael had absolutely no idea how old she was.

Lisa had various kinds of food smeared all over her cute little Christmas dress. In her mess, she was adorable. Like her uncle.

Eventually, they sat her in front of the TV and turned on _Vampirina._ Apparently, Lisa didn’t like Christmas themed cartoons.

The Staten Island accent together with the Gin Tonic started to swirl along Rafael’s brain. It was fair to say that Lisa’s first language would be New York Staten Island English, but he kept that thought to himself.

“Ma, you exceeded yourself with the Tiramisu this year”, Sonny complimented his mother when they finally had dessert.

The mother answered him with her warmest smile ever.

Observing this moment, Rafael understood that she would come around eventually. She just loved her son too much. She would love Rafael simply because her son loved him. She was too lovely, like her son.

Rafael started to slowly apprehend why Sonny was the way that he was.

“It’s really delicious, Mrs. Carisi”, Rafael complemented the mother.

Cautiously, Rafael looked around on the table, let his gaze wander over the faces of blond, blue-eyed Italian-Americans.

Mia was a bright girl. Rafael could see why Sonny loved her so much. She was sweet and polite, like her uncle. _It must be nice to have a niece like her_ , was what Rafael thought.

Rafael came to the conclusion that the sisters will like him, too. Rafael had a feeling that they didn't care much about what the church said about homosexuality. All three of them appeared to be very protective of Sonny, though. Just like their brother was very protective of everyone he loved.

Rafael caught Gina watching him over her drink. Her long, red fake nails twirled around her glass. There was a sound when plastic hit glass. She reminded him of young Rita Calhoun. A small image came to Rafael’s mind of how he and Gina would sit with drinks in their hand in the back of family gatherings and gossip the crap out of the Carisi clan. The picture wasn’t so bad. Hopefully, they would get along well.

So it all came down to the father.

Dominick Carisi Sr. had not spoken one single word. His face had not moved. He was not happy, obviously. The elder man seemed very thoughtful. Nobody on the table addressed Carisi Sr. They seemed to know how to handle him.

Rafael swallowed. It was not going to end well, Rafael sensed it. For the love of all his talent in eloquence, he could not think of anything to say to the father. He had hated his own one. He had used to be barely able to make anything right, when it came to his father’s approval, or affection. How was he supposed to make another one’s father like him? The father of such an emotional family of all. The father of the love of his life.  
He felt a pressure in his chest.

After the binge eating had finished, everyone got up. He felt his partner’s hand on his. Sonny gave him his loveliest smile and he naturally smiled back.

Sonny got up and walked to the couch with the intent of playing with his little niece.

Rafael turned his eyes into his drink. Gin Tonic. Gina had put a little umbrella in it. As Rafael was sure that she wanted to incite him, he had not removed it. Normally, he wouldn’t care about what others think of him in his 2K suit having Gin Tonic with a little paper umbrella in it. But here and now, he felt like the gayest man in the world. Why couldn’t he have just forced down one beer?

“Rafael”, he heard a deep voice behind him. Rafael ducked.

“Mr. Carisi”, he said, finding back his confidence.

“Will you come into the chimney room with me?”, Mr. Carisi Sr. demanded. His face was like a stone.

There were chimney rooms on Staten Island?

“Of course, sir”, Rafael said as if he was being sent to the principal’s office.

There was no fireplace in the chimney room.

It was just a small room that only became a room by closing the wide doors that separated it from the living room. If the doors were kept open, the living room was wider. Rafael figured there must have been some kind of oven in here in older days.

“I don’t think you like that”, Carisi Sr. said pointing to Rafael’s glass.

Worst of all, despite the fact that the gin as well as the tonic were cheap, he actually did like it.

“It’s not my usual choice, sir”, Rafael replied honestly.

“Sonny said you drink Scotch. I got some here”, Carisi Sr. said turning to an old glass cabinet and taking out a bottle.

Rafael saw the label. It was Bourbon. But he was not going to say anything.

“And call me Dominick, you’re not in the principal’s office”, Carisi Sr. added.

Rafael could not help a small, sheepish smile. That must be a good sign, right?

“Thank you, Dominick”, Rafael said taking the two glasses that Dominick Sr. held out for him and for lack of options, placed them on an old chest of drawers where he had also put his nearly empty Gin Tonic earlier.

“Ah, what do you know? It’s from Kentucky”, Dominick Sr. said reviewing the bottle. “Anyway, Bourbon is also whiskey. Do you want ice?”

 _You don’t drink Scotch on the rocks, also not Bourbon on the rocks_.

“No, thank you.”

Rafael took the bottle from the old man and poured them both a glass. He could not make himself ask Dominick Sr. whether or not he should bring him ice.

“Cheers”, Dominick Sr. said.

You don’t do that to whiskey. But it was Bourbon, so he clicked the glass with him.

Rafael left the whiskey in his mouth as long as possible. It was very mild. It was of very good quality actually, it must have been expensive. He enjoyed the burn down his throat.

“So”, Dominick Sr. started and Rafael’s heart skipped a beat. “I figure, you're not used to big family dinners”, Dominick Sr. said pointing his own whiskey glass to the closed doors of the living room. Rafael could not think of anything to reply. “But I also see that you're quite fond of it”, Dominick Sr. continued, sending him a short unreadable look before shifting his attention towards the glass cabinet.

Rafael should not be surprised, Dominick Sr. was an ex-cop. He could read the room.

“You have a nice family”, Rafael managed to say.

They were too nice essentially, like Sonny.

“My son never brought anyone home for Christmas”, Dominick Sr. said, staring into the glass cabinet.

Hearing this sentence, Rafael felt his heart warming up.

Dominick Sr. continued: “As far as I got it, he likes both girls and boys. So all I hear is, while he could have brought home a woman, he still chose you”, Dominick Sr. now fixed his eyes on Rafael.

Rafael lightly lifted his shoulders, feeling somewhat helpless. He agreed with every word that Dominick Sr. had spoken, but yet again he was not able to find any words to formulate his own thoughts. In the end, Sonny was a grown man who made his own choices. Rafael did not try to act like he knew what was best for him. Apparently, his father also did not.

Rafael stretched his back and took a sip of whiskey.

“The church says it’s wrong for two men to be together.” _There we go_. “It’s not my business really. I don’t care who you fool around with. As long as it’s not my son."

Dominick Sr. looked Rafael in the eyes. His accent was heavy. Rafael didn’t know what to say.

“But you, you love him”, Dominick Sr. said with his voice turning very low.

Rafael nodded sincerely. That he did.

Finally after staring at him for a while, Dominick Sr. sighed.

“I have three conditions.”

There was silence for a bit. Rafael repeated the words that had just left Dominick Sr.’s mouth in his head. He did not understand them. He opened his mouth to ask a question.

“Let me talk, son.” Dominick Sr. cut him off with his hand.

_Son?_

A sour taste appeared on Rafael's tongue.

“First, you don’t mess with him. No heartbreaks, no lying, no cheating.”

 _Fair enough_.

“Next, I don’t ever want see you two kiss or hold hands or any other kinds of… tenderness.”

 _That would be supposed to be exclusive for the bedroom anyway_.

“I don’t want to see it”, Dominick Sr. added unnecessarily with an exaggerated hand gesture.

“And finally… I don’t know how you figure this out and I don’t care. You don’t need to tell me. But I want grandchildren.”

Dominick Sr. locked eyes with him. Rafael felt sick in the stomach.

_Son._

“Dominick Carisi III will be born”, the father stressed.

Not a single moment in his life came to Rafael’s mind in which his own father had called him _son_ _._ The sour taste crawled through his throat into his stomach.

“If we're on the same page, I'm willing to defend you in front of the church and everyone else who cannot mind their own business.”

Rafael did not understand what was happening.

“And I'm not talking about that you're supposed to look out for my daughters and granddaughters. That comes with the package.”

It was _so_ Carisi. So much. All or nothing.

“You'll also take care of my wife and me when we get old." Dominick Sr. looked at him honestly. “In return, you get this family.” He made a broad gesture with his hand.

Rafael heard a clock ticking somewhere.

Dominick Sr. took a sip of his whiskey. Even though he tried to hide it, his lips twitched from the burn. Rafael was very sure that he usually did not drink hard liquor. Like his son.

“You don’t need to embarrass yourself”, Dominick Sr. continued. “If you don’t agree, you can stay for the rest of the evening and end things with my son later. I won’t judge.”

While Dominick Sr. was asking a lot, he gave Rafael an easy way out.

The clock was ticking. His heart was beating. He did not know how to think.

He poured down the sour taste with whiskey.

“So what do you say?” Dominick Sr. asked finally, after an eternity of silence.

Rafael listened to his heart. He expected the well-known panic that sometimes still crossed his chest in intimate moments. But it didn’t come. His heart was fine.

So Rafael nodded: “I'm in.”

Dominick Sr. stretched out his hand. Rafael couldn’t tell, if his decision made the father happy or sad. Rafael shook the hand. An absurd formality. The father of his partner gave his son to him.

No other word was spoken. They finished their drinks in silence. Rafael liked it. Maybe he was going to sit with him in the back of family gatherings and watch the Carisi crowd.

“Let’s go, before they worry about us”, Dominick Sr. said. “And take the bottle with you.”

Back in the living room, the Carisi women made a point of not showing any reaction to the absence of Rafael and their father. Sonny kneeled on the floor in front of the couch where Lisa was sitting. He searched eye contact with him, a question mark in his face. Rafael gave him a simple smile as if there was nothing to ask about.

Dominick Sr. sat down in an armchair and pointed to another one next to him. “Sit with me, Rafael. And fix me another drink.”

Rafael spotted that Sonny's face frowned, but he intentionally did not move his head. He stared at Lisa on the couch, doing his best to not show any expression in his face. If Sonny tried to act normal, he was completely failing. The Carisi women in return did nothing to hide their scandalous surprise over what Dominick Sr. had just said. However, nobody said anything.

It was ten o’clock, when Gina announced that she would be the first one blocking the bathroom to get ready for Midnight Mass.

Rafael took this as an opportunity to announce: “Well, I'm going to go.”

“Are you attending Midnight Mass?”, Mrs. Carisi asked. What a concerned Catholic she was.

“Yes, I'll go in Manhattan.” He hadn’t planned to, but he was going to.

Rafael hugged the sisters and the niece goodbye. He was Cuban after all, of course he was a hugger. He shook hands with the mother.

“Thank you for everything, Mrs. Carisi, the food was really delicious.”

Finally, he shook the father’s hand. “Thank you, too, Dominick, for your hospitality”, Rafael rambled.

The words tasted wrong on his tongue and sounded even weirder in his ears.

“Merry Christmas, son.”

“Good bye, everyone, Merry Christmas.”

Sonny closed the front door behind them. Surprised that he had followed him, Rafael turned around and faced his partner.

“What did you do to my dad?”, Sonny asked.

“Nothing”, Rafael shook his head as if there was nothing to wonder about.

“C’mon. What happened back there?”, Sonny insisted.

“We had Bourbon and talked”, Rafael replied simply.

Sonny raised his brows. He didn’t believe him. Without words, he expected him to say more.

“I'm a lovable person”, Rafael said shrugging his shoulders.

“Loveliness is not your strong suit”, Sonny responded.

“I said I had Bourbon.”

“C’mon, Raf. What did you talk?”

Rafael sighed, he was better off telling a truth: “He just made me promise to be nice to you.”

“That’s it?”, Sonny pushed.

“To love and to cherish you forever”, Rafael added. Sonny tilted his head in disbelief. “It’s the truth, Sonny”, Rafael insisted. “That's as close to a wedding as we'll ever get.”

“What?” Sonny was very confused.

“That's what happened”, Rafael stressed. “He said, he never wants to see us kiss or be tender in any other way in public and I had to promise not to break your heart.”

“I don’t understand what’s happening.”

That was the same thought that Rafael was still having.

He gave his partner a smile. “He said, he's willing to be fine with us. Even more so, he said he'll defend us.”

Sonny’s brows shot up: “Seriously?” Rafael just nodded, suddenly feeling extremely happy. “I can’t believe it”, Sonny murmured.

“I think, it was my irresistible charm”, Rafael pursed his lips.

As usual, Sonny chose to ignore his sarcastic remark. But he started to smile.

“It’s weird." Sonny fixated a point somewhere behind Rafael’s back. He slightly shook his head as if searching for words that he was ultimately not going to find. “But good. Suddenly, I guess. I mean, it’s great. It’s great. That my dad accepts us.”

“Hey, I don’t know about you but he accepts me”, Rafael teased.

Sonny smiled and pulled Rafael in an embrace. He kissed his forehead. Rafael thought, that this must be too much gay contact for a porch on Staten Island, but who cared. He closed his eyes to enjoy the warmth radiating from Sonny.

“Call me, when they let you off the island”, Rafael whispered against Sonny’s throat.

“You'll miss me?”, Sonny’s blue eyes searched for Rafael’s green ones.

Rafael sighed. _What a sap_.

But because the evening had went so unexpectedly well, he said: “I already miss you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna wait a little with updating, but in the end I couldn't because I am also so excited.
> 
> Don't forget to comment, kudos and bookmark or whatever. I am so grateful for you guys reading my story. Keep enjoying.
> 
> Love & Peace!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael learns to appreciate the noise of a warm family crowd from the Carisis, and Sonny learns to appreciate the silence of accomplishment from the Barbas.

In the early morning hours of the first day of Christmas, Rafael finally arrived home to his apartment. He felt remorseful for not having been with his mother for Midnight Mass, but he would see her in a few hours for breakfast anyway, so he guessed it was fine.

Rafael took off his suit and went for a hot shower. Afterwards, he wore on his sweats. The expensive black sweatpants, because it was Christmas and a light blue sweater, because he missed Sonny.

And finally, finally, he poured himself a real Scotch. His usual, a Laphroaig Quarter Cask, that tastes like oak, fruits and peat. The Laphroaig distillery was located on the south coast of the Isle of Isla, directly at the rim of the sea. If Scotland was blessed with nice weather, Laphroiag was fortunate enough to be in sight of Northern Ireland. Sometimes so Rafael had read, it was even possible to spot whales passing by. Many, many years ago, when Rafael had won his first case in court, the defense attorney had told him this story and given him a bottle as a gift, thereby admitting his defeat. His young lawyer's chest had swollen up of pride for this upright gesture. He preferred Scotch since then.

Rafael massaged his forehead. It was the first night in a very long time that he was going to spend alone. He did not know, how to do that anymore.

Rafael placed his wooden chair in front of the big window of the balcony, trying not to feel lonely. He leaned back and put his feed on the window-sill. He took out his phone. He licked the taste of Scotch from his lips.

   R: _Are you home?_  
   S: _Yeah. Lyin in bed already_  
   S: _Well, on the couch_  
   R: _Can I call?_  
   S: _Gina is next to me, asleep_  
   R: _What did they say about me?_

Essentially, this question had been burning inside of him, since he had taken the ferry back from Staten Island. The wind had been ice cold and awoken him from the jolly dizziness that the tumultuous Carisi Christmas dinner had set him into.

Rafael found texting too inconvenient to discuss this matter, but he could not help his curiosity.

   S: _U surely did impress my dad, big time_  
   R: _I’m tempted to use the sunglass emoji_  
   S: _What did u guys talk?_  
   R: _I told you_  
   S: _Ftlog!_  
   R: _What?_  
   S: _He's fine? Just like that?_  
   R: _You underestimate him_

Dominick Sr. had certainly left an impression on Rafael. He still somehow felt heavy hearted from him calling him “son”. He had thought about Dominick Sr. during Midnight Mass, deeply admiring the Carisi’s intrinsic kindness.

   S: _I guess so_  
   R: _What did he say?_  
   S: _Ur so curious_  
   R: _Boyfriend of a detective_  
   S: _Cant blame ya ha?_  
   R: _Nope_  
   S: _Let’s see_  
   S: _He cant believe ur ma is ur whole family_  
   R: _Fair enough_  
   S: _And he complimented ur suit_  
   R: _Blushing_  
   S: _He thinks ur good for me_  
   R: _Really?_  
   S: _Yeah. It was a really sweet moment. I nearly cried_  
   R: _He’s a good man_  
   S: _Yeah_

Well, the father had surely surprised the both of them. Rafael also felt tears forming behind his eyes. He took a big mouthful of Scotch.

   R: _What did the others say?_  
   S: _Mia loved u_  
   R: _Of course, but why?_  
   S: _She was impressed with spanish and Harvard_  
   R: _She’s a lot like you_  
   S: _Thanks_  
   S: _Gina loved u too_  
   R: _What did she say?_  
   S: _That u even talk fancy_  
   R: _What?_  
   S: _She didnt really say smt nice but that means she likes u_  
   R: _What?_  
   R: _Wait, what did she say?_  
   S: _That ur a bit over the top an all_  
   R: _Me? Over the top?_  
   S: _Yeah_  
   R: _The irony_  
   R: _Or lack thereof_  
   S: _Teresa seemed skeptical but shes happy to see me happy, she said_  
   R: _Omg, how many more family members were there?_  
   S: _Bella loves u anyway. She said ur handsome_  
   R: _I am_  
   S: _U are!_  
   R: _What about your mother?_  
   S: _Just talked to her a few min ago_  
   R: _And?_  
   S: _Not very happy_

Rafael’s throat tighten.

   R: _I’m sorry._  
   S: _You did nothin wrong_  
   R: _She’s not happy. You just said so_  
   S: _I told her u are very special to me_  
   R: _And?_  
   S: _She asked me to reconsider_  
   R: _That’s not good_  
   S: _She was not like ultimately determined or somethin_  
   R: _So?_  
   S: _I wont reconsider of course_

Rafael very much hoped that Sonny would not reconsider, because he could really understand if Sonny would. It was his mother. If she was not fine… Rafael could not think this thought to an end.

   S: _I guess, just let time take her worries away_  
   R: _What worries?_  
   S: _Shes worried cos ur a man_  
   R: _I see_  
   S: _And older_  
   S: _And snobby_  
   S: _And dont talk much_  
   R: _I was nervous_  
   S: _Shell come round_  
   R: _Hope so_  
   S: _Ur important to me and shes my ma. She will come to understand that_  
   R: _I hope it’s that easy_  
   S: _All in all, it went really well_  
   R: _Yeah_  
   R: _I like them_  
   S: _Happy to hear_  
   R: _They produced you, I didn’t stand a chance_  
   S: _Ur cute_

Rafael usually was not romantic. But with Sonny, he meant every word.

   S: _What about ur ma?_  
   R: _I called her on the way to Manhattan_  
   S: _And?_  
   R: _Could be worse_  
   S: _That bad?_  
   R: _I also didn’t like you first, remember?_  
   S: _Wtf?_  
   R: _You know that_  
   S: _Yeah, but so Mami doesnt like me?_  
   R: _She will learn to like you, like I did_  
   S: _Thanks_  
   S: _I guess_  
   R: _Hopefully she will_  
   S: _Wtf, Raf_  
   R: _She didn’t have 4 weeks to get used to the idea that her only son has a boyfriend_  
   S: _What did I do wrong?_  
   R: _Nothing_  
   R: _Really_

In a way, Sonny had done everything wrong. Rafael thought back to the breakfast in the morning. How Sonny had slouched on the couch. How he had talked like a waterfall with his strange white New Yorker’s accent. How he had so eagerly jumped up to refill their drinks. How he did not know Spanish. He had been too much, like always, he was just like he was, Sonny Carisi. Lucia Barba’s only son’s boyfriend. Nothing to do.

   R: _You couldn’t have made anything right_  
   R: _Give her time_  
   S: _Okay_

By then, Rafael had refilled his Scotch twice and started to feel tiredness twirling in his head. They were texting for over an hour. It would have been easier, if Sonny had just stepped outside for a bit to talk on the phone. It was after three thirty, but Rafael went for one last question.

   R: _How did you like her?_  
   S: _I see where u got ur determination from_

A very genuine smile formed in Rafael’s heart and reached his lips. Unfortunately, there was no one arround to witness it.

   R: _No objection_  
   S: _Shes not… easy but she has a good heart_  
   R: _Yeah_  
   R: _I like that you’re saying that_  
   S: _Sure_

   S: _I miss u_

Rafael took in a deep breath. He missed him so much, it nearly hurt. He felt stupid, but he had gotten so used to him.

They both were born in New York City, grew up in New York City. Yet, they were coming from two different worlds.

Relishing burning liquid amber on his tongue, Rafael thought about their morning in Manhattan. His mother, Sonny and him sitting in front of his tiny coffee table in his tiny apartment, the home of someone who used to want to be more and had achieved. Maybe his fifteen year old couch couldn’t tell, but Rafael’s overprized outfit that he had worn to this casual family brunch did show that he had made something of himself. Also his mother in her black heels, her Bordeaux skirt with matching blazer, with her mother’s broche on her chest and her well-styled perm drew a picture of someone who had accomplished something for herself. The brunch had been overladen with homemade food. There had been Champagne flutes next to NYPD coffee mugs. Undeniably, this kind of luxury, not just the luxury of unnecessary fashion and Champagne, but also the luxury of sitting in silence drinking the very alcohol in the morning, was only affordable without kids or grandchildren. Sonny had looked so good between them in his Staten Island suit. At the same time, Sonny knew the atmosphere of a crowded family, one that his mother had lost when she had arrived in this country.

His mother had loved Sonny’s coffee.

In the evening, they had just crossed the Upper Bay and suddenly there were row houses with iron fences. But the Carisi’s house was also narrow inside. Yet full of people. And noises. With a baby. The Carisis would never eat on a coffee table, not just because neither the mountains of food nor the bunch of people would fit. For them, the dining table was mandatory. There needed to be space to give every potential or actual member of the family a spot, to make sure everyone will be well-fed and in company. They wasted time on worrying about their children or what food to prepare, not on work or clothes. The Carisi women were wearing too much make-up and no one had a real clue about alcohol. In the place where no one knew Spanish. Nor Italian, while they were on that matter. But in the end, there was alcohol and loved ones. And food and trouble. Things, Rafael could relate to.

In his understanding of the world, Sonny and Rafael were a family now. Just the two of them. That was what Rafael truly believed. The intimacy of two lovers. And there was really nothing more that Rafael needed. Even though the two of them might be the core, their families were now each other’s families.

And the real events seemed to have followed that plane logic. So far.

   R: _Don’t stop loving me_  
   S: _Why would u say that?_  
   R: _Because I miss you_  
   S: _I love you_  
   R: _Go to sleep_  
   S: _Dream about me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A family is really just about what you are choosing to do for them, isn't it?
> 
> I see a big beauty in seeing these two characters - who are both in their own way troubled and complicated, but nevertheless good hearted - come together. I hope you see it, too.
> 
> Don't forget to kudos and comment.
> 
> Love loud!
> 
> P. S.: This time, you really need to wait a couple of days for an update. Sorry, but I actually have a MA thesis that needs to be finished *mildly ashamed*.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little contemplating

The breakfast consisted of poached eggs, Brie cheese and marmalade.

His mother told him everything about her Midnight Mass in Brooklyn. About who had showed up and of course, who had not showed up, not mentioning what she had said about her son not showing up. She summarized Father Mike’s sermon and praised it as the best she had ever heard. Too bad that Rafael had missed it.

By talking about her charter school, she managed to stall another thirty minutes to avoid addressing the reason for her son’s absence. Rafael let his gaze trail over the table while not listening to her stories.

She had served toast and butter on Christmas, she must be furious.

Rafael felt an urge to throw the words in her face: “Come on, Mami, ask me about my Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family.” He was angry about her being angry. But as soon as he felt rage boiling up in his chest, he pushed it back down. This family had already suffered a man of anger and Rafael did not plan to be the next one. So he played along with the chitter-chatter and waited patiently for the anticipated moment.

The moment arrived when all slices of toast were eaten up. His mother put her hands in her lap and looked up from her empty plate. She locked eyes with her son. Either she did not want to be the one to bring up the topic or she wished there was no topic to bring up in the first place.

“What did they say?” So she cut straight to the chase.

“They were friendly”, Rafael said, holding the eye contact.

“That’s not what I asked”, she replied

“They said a lot of things”, he replied.

“Do they like this?” She swooshed her index finger in front of her son’s face.

“This what?” Rafael couldn’t tell where his desire to provoke her came from. Maybe it was the Brie cheese.

“You know what I mean.” His mother’s lips were a thin line.

“I really don’t know if you know what you mean”, Rafael said evenly. She glittered at him with anger. She was not going to admit defeat.

And she even managed to avoid the word “gay”: “That their only son and brother is in a relationship with a man.”

Rafael smiled haughtily: “Well, the sisters seemed not to mind too much, but it’s not easy for his parents.” Rafael used vague words, because he had no real clue what any of them thought. “Especially for his mother”, he added in an attempt of offering his some compassion, but she returned him the same haughty smile.

“It’s not easy?” She repeated, raising her brow.

“They're Catholics like you”, Rafael could almost hear the sentence in his mother’s ears. That he made up excuses for other people.

“And how do they cope with that?”, she panted.

“Well, to be honest they had a few weeks to contemplate, as Sonny gave them a heads up”, Rafael offered her a look of guilt. “Unlike me.” His mother huffed. “But unexpectedly, they seem to do fine. I think, they don’t find it in themselves to be hostile. They just want the best for their son, I guess.”

Rafael didn’t look at her saying the last words. He didn’t really know how his partner’s mother and father were coping. He only knew that he got off that island well. That must be worth something.

This was when his mother asked the even more critical question: “How did they like you?”

Rafael cleared his throat: “Even more unexpectedly, they did seem to like me.” Rafael’s voice had a sad edge.

He wished, he could watch himself from the outside for only a few minutes. To study his own face. To look into his own eyes to find out, if there was something different in there. A different sparkle maybe, or a new expression that he had never seen before. He wanted to study every inch of his face to see which wrinkles had smoothed and which ones had deepened. Or maybe there was something in his posture. He wondered, how he had come to that place. That his priorities in life had suddenly so dramatically shifted.

“Why unexpected?”, his mother asked.

“Are you offended?”, Rafael laughed.

“Yes. Explain, son”, she tilted her head assertively. There it was again. _Son._ “Why shouldn’t they like you?”

She got him. Rafael didn’t know how to state the obvious.

“I guess, besides me not being of the opposite gender… Let’s say, I don’t really strike out as a jovial, pleasant person.”

His mother huffed again. The tiny smile that wrinkled her mouth consisted of pity with a spark of amusement, but it was knowing: “You don’t fit in there?”

A sly smile sneaked over Rafael’s lips. What Abuelita and his mother had wanted for him all his life was to get out of the barrio. To have a better life. They had wanted him to find a new place to fit in. And an overcrowded, working-class, white family with a strange accent was not what they had in mind. Nevertheless, his mother’s question suddenly seemed so absurd to him. He had done his share of fitting himself into his own chosen world, when he had bought this Manhattan apartment, started to collect fine suits and spent his vacations skiing and yachting. But that was not what this was about. This was not about fitting in.

“I will”, Rafael said for the sake of simplification.

Lucia gave him a slight nod: “How did you like them?”

Rafael shifted his weight. He knew that the answer would reflect back to Sonny. “They are very kind people. It’s admirable, how much heart they show.” His mother’s mouth twitched. _Poor Mami_ , it must be odd for her to hear him talk so ardently.

She folded her arms in front of her chest. “Did you go to Mass with them?”

 _Could it be_ , the thought appeared to him like a striking lightning, _that she was jealous_? Rafael made the quick decision to not tell her that he had went to Midnight Mass in Manhattan.

“That would be a bit of a stretch, Mami.”

“Would it?” She cocked her eyebrow.

“What is it, Mami?” Rafael felt like they were dancing around something. “What is your problem? Is it really about what the church says?”

“Father Mike would certainly not approve and even more so, I'm not thrilled to bring that kind of gossip into the community." His mother nearly pouted and Rafael wondered what she had told her church friends about why Rafael hadn't been there for Midnight Mass. “But no, I don’t care if people are gay or not… as long as it's not my son.”

Rafael prevented himself from smiling about the nearly exact phrase that Dominick Sr. had used. His chest warmed up from sudden affection for her.

“It’s…”, Lucia sighed, clearly struggling to find the words. After a long pause she said: “I guess, I wished more for you.”

Rafael’s gaze shot up in surprise. “More?” As suddenly as the warmth had appeared, as fast it was replaced by rage.

“You could have had a family. You wouldn’t need to go through so much trouble with… with everything. It’s not easy anywhere to show up openly with a man.” _Oh, that_. She gave him a nearly pleading look.

Rafael was in love with the nicest man in the world and for some reason, he loved him back. There was literally no "more” that he could think of.

There was something like pity in Lucia’s expression, when she asked the next question: “Would he turn his back on his family?”

Rafael pressed his lips together and shook his head sadly: “I don’t think so.”

She nodded, impressed. _Yes,_ Rafael was even willing to be only number two.

“What would you do if I'm not going to be fine with him?”

Maybe this was why Rafael was angry. Of all the scenarios of how Christmas could go wrong, his own mother being the problem was not one of them.

“Mami, I can’t”, he only whispered. “Not him.”

Now he was the one pleading without words.

“Oh, I got it, Rafael. If your son comes up with someone after forty eight years, I understand that it’s not just a joke.” She pressed those words through her teeth with unnecessary force.

She pushed a few items around in an attempt to tidy up the table, but the breakfast had been so limited that there was really nothing to clean up in the first place.

“I didn’t know, I would find him”, Rafael murmured.

His mother looked up from the table. “I don’t know what you see in him?”

“Sometimes I also don’t know”, he answered honestly. “But he's a good man.” _And he makes me a good one, too_ , was what he didn’t add because he hoped that his wording would remind her of what Abuelita had said to her so many years ago.

“I never thought that you would want someone so… uncomposed.” Rafael tilted his head. “Something less than perfection.”

_Is that who he was? Or used to be?_

The realization hit him hard, but pleasantly. These years that he had worked for SVU, they hadn’t just smeared the black and white of the world. These years of friendship with Liv hadn’t just opened his heart. They had made his desire for perfection fade away, slowly. Well, papers still need to be free of typos, words need to be wrapped in correct grammar and there was always a right way of matching inconsistent textile patterns. But the larger perfection in life, in interactions with others… Rafael didn’t think that this perfection was unreachable, but it was certainly not desirable anymore.

“I hope you see what I see in him, when you get to know him better”, Rafael wrapped it up.

“You're asking a lot from me”, Lucia sighed, it was a deep sigh, but not a negative one.

“Do I?”, he asked.  
“You can call me Sonny?”, she only said.

Rafael laughed.

“Do they call him that, too?” She made a movement with her head, probably meaning to point into the direction of Staten Island. Wherever that was.

“They really do”, Rafael confirmed.

“Who came up with this?”, she asked in pure shock.

“I don’t know”, Rafael shrugged his shoulders.

She sighed once more and got up. Finally collecting their two plates, two knives, two cups and two forks.

“Get ready”, she said simply and was not going to speak of Sonny again until the next day.

Rafael didn’t get up to help her. Not that it was necessary anyway. He reached for his phone instead.

   R: _Good morning, cariño_  
   S: _Good morning_  
   S: _But it’s more like lunch time_  
   R: _It’s not like lunch time, it is lunch time_  
   S: _Can I give u a pet name?_  
   R: _No_  
   S: _Like Coccolone?_  
   R: _As you wont let it go, I'm willing to entertain the matter in person later_  
   S: _Ur so generous_  
   S: _How r u?_  
   R: _Just had breakfast, heading out soon. You?_  
   S: _Same. Were off to visit my uncles now_  
   R: _Just one question_  
   S: _Yeah_  
   R: _Who gave you that name?_  
   S: _Ma, she hates Dominick_  
   R: _Ironic_  
   S: _Talk to u later, miss u_  
   R: _Bye_

Rafael spent the day trudging along with his mother carrying out various Christmas visits. To teachers, neighbors, old friends. Every place they visited, they tasted a homemade cookie, refused eggnog and had a cup of coffee. Under his mother’s hidden but insisting look, Rafael allowed the principle of her charter school to persuade him into having two tiny glasses of Bailey’s. Mixing Scotch and coffee, it was nearly blasphemy.

“You can't ask more from me today, Mami”, he hissed in her ear later.

They also stopped by the church to plant a donation and do their obligatory hour in the soup kitchen. For dinner, they were invited to his mother’s old friend’s Dolores’ house. They were joined by other people Rafael knew from occasions like these, other widows or parents of children who spent their Christmas with their spouse’s family. Rafael found himself to wish to be one of those people in the latter group. Since his father had died, he had spent the holidays in variations of groups of people like these, an extended family, and it was not bad, not bad at all. He liked those people, he had a good time. He just wished to be somewhere else.

When he finally pulled the blanket over him shortly after Midnight, there were already several texts and pictures on his phone.

   S: _There were Yankees tickets in my stockings_  
   S: _Look at Lisa eatin spaghetti_  
   S: _Rafael Barba is the main character in Keeping up with the Carisis_  
   S: _Dont tell me that view isnt mad beautiful_  
   S: _Lisa and Mia share a cookie_

Rafael rolled his eyes at the picture of the two youngest Carisi members each biting on one end of a cookie. The toddler had unidentifiable smear all over her face. He swooshed back to a snow filled view with a beach in the background. _The Manhattan skyline was something else_ , he thought.

   R: _How was your day without me?_  
   S: _I literally died_  
   R: _Good boy_  
   S: _How was urs?_  
   R: _Normal holiday business_  
   S: _I see_  
   R: _So the Carisis are gossiping about me?_  
   S: _Not really gossipin_  
   S: _But someone didnt keep her mouth shut so everyone knew about u_  
   S: _Topic no1_  
   R: _How did that go?_  
   S: _Lets say mixed_  
   S: _But I wasnt thrown out of any house, so Im happy_  
   R: _How is your mother with the gossip?_  
   S: _Its hard for her_  
   S: _But my dad he was like: “U all mind ur own business!”_  
   S: _Pointed out all the crooks their children are datin_  
   R: _Sophisticated move_  
   S: _Ur at mamis?_  
   R: _Yep, lying on the couch_  
   S: _Thats a funny image_  
   R: _You also lie on your mother’s couch, like good sons do on Christmas_  
   S: _Yeah, and omg Gina's breathin so loud_  
   R: _Don’t bother the single child with sibling problems_  
   S: _Do I need to wear tie tmrw?_  
   R: _Yeah, go for the blue one with the Paisley pattern_

Rafael scratched his cheek which made a sound echo through the tiny living room. His mother had allowed him to leave his little holiday beard. "It's the sign of a hardworking man", she had said.

Sonny didn’t answer for a few minutes.

   R: _Are you googling it?_  
   S: _Raf, I know what Paisley is_  
   S: _3 piece?_  
   R: _Yeah, go for the casual one_  
   S: _Only in ur world 3 piece is casual_  
   R: _The brown one that Caprizio made you last month_  
   S: _Brown's casual?_  
   R: _It’s about the cut_  
   S: _Just tell me which shirt_  
   R: _You have that light salmon one_  
   S: _Ur lucky u have a great ass_  
   R: _I'm indeed_  
   S: _When should I come?_  
   R: _7, no gifts_  
   S: _Ok_  
   S: _Im nervous_  
   R: _She won’t scratch your eyes out_  
   S: _Now I feel better_  
   R: _Just be handsome, and tall and Catholic_  
   S: _I can do that_  
   S: _Love you_

Rafael eyed the ceiling for a few moments. How he wished he was here.

   R: _I miss you_  
   S: _Sleep tight_  
   R: _You too_

The next day, Rafael was surprised to see Mami disappear into the kitchen after breakfast. Furtively peeking but not asking specifically, Rafael spotted that she was preparing Lechón Assado with platanes, Mojo and even Pudin de Pan. She hadn’t cooked a family dinner since his father had died. After his death, Abuelita used to prepare their holiday food. Since her death, Cuban cuisine had stopped happening.

As he felt there was nothing for him to do, he spent the day on his mother’s couch with Brecht and Hemmingway. Again, he didn’t see the need to offer his help as he trusted his mother to be able to prepare a dinner for three people. Lost in his books, he didn’t address his mother’s cooking at all.

It was only when he felt a slight wind on the tip of his nose by his mother passing him in a black trouser suit that he bothered to get up.

“Put the wine in the decanter before you shower”, she ordered.

Rafael found three bottles of Chianti placed on the already set dinner table. He chose to only open two and pour them in the decanter. Not because he thought three bottles of wine for three people was too much, but because he hoped they could switch to Scotch sooner rather than later. While the red wine flowed down the glass walls like a bloody water fall, Rafael let his gaze wander through the tiny, but neat apartment of his mother. Obviously, she didn’t have any Christmas decoration, but she had taken out a few candles and decorated a few Christmas cards that she had received. The little apartment actually looked quite festive.

So somehow Rafael found himself to have a knot in his throat when he and his mother waited for Sonny to come up. Lucia also slightly bopped on her feed.

“Welcome”, she greeted Sonny. “Merry Christmas.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Barba”, Sonny smiled sheepishly. “Merry Christmas to you, too.” He held up a little gift bag. “I realized that you liked the coffee the other day. Uh… it’s from this place on Staten Island. So, uh… I got you a package.” Sonny swallowed hard.

“Thank you”, Lucia said and Rafael was stunned by his mother’s sentimentality.

“Hey”, Sonny directed a suppressed smile to Rafael, obviously unsure how to greet him.

“Dinner's ready. Come on, boys”, she said turning towards the living room, but she frowned when she realized that Rafael was not moving which was why Sonny also didn’t make a move.

“Mami, will you give us a moment”, Rafael said.

His mother rolled her eyes extensively and shook her head, but turned around and left the two men alone.

Rafael wasted no time to throw his arms around Sonny’s middle and pressed his nose against his collarbone.  
Sonny put his chin on Rafael’s head.

“It’s been only two days.”

Rafael could hear the smile out of his voice.

“So?” The retort came out in a nasal tone.

Sonny cupped his cheeks and tilted his head upwards so he could place a long and soft kiss on his lips. Rafael allowed himself to get lost a little in Sonny’s warmth. He smelled the cologne he had chosen for him on him. Unfortunately, Sonny had chosen to shave. Or maybe his mother had insisted on him shaving, because Rafael definitely liked him more with a beard. When they finally parted, Sonny had one of his most gorgeous smiles on his lips. _Have his eyes always been this blue?_ Maybe Rafael had forgot the details of his partner’s face during the last two days.

“I really wish we could be somewhere else right now”, Rafael whispered.

“Come on, let’s make your Mami happy”, Sonny smiled.

Rafael sighed. He pecked Sonny’s lips again and heavy-heartedly left the embrace.

His mother had waited for them in the living room. She had placed the gift bag next to some Christmas cards.

“Will you help me, mijo?”, Lucia asked Rafael, pointing to the kitchen.

But Sonny, who unlike Rafael had been taught manners by his mother, jumped to the opportunity.

“I can help you, Mrs. Barba.”

And Rafael could read in his mother’s face that she absolutely loved how hard he tried to get her approval.

Not that Rafael had really spent time on having any expectations, but the dinner was more pleasant than expected. While Rafael had been worried there would be no topic to converse about as his mother had already squeezed every possible information out of Sonny two days ago, his partner did not disappoint him. Sonny complimented her cooking, asked about Cuban food, about their Christmas so far, about Abuelita and offered stories about his Nonna and his mother’s cooking. And Rafael saw in his mother’s face that she enjoyed seeing him squirm. As Sonny and Rafael were sitting opposite each other, each on one side of his mother who was sitting at the head of the table, all Rafael could do was to stroke his partner’s legs with his food, hoping that would have a soothing effect on him.

Rafael and his mother drank wine twice as fast as Sonny. After the bread pudding, they sat down on the couch to have a cup of coffee. They were all rather overfed, because Lucia had really done a good job with that pork. Because it had went all so pleasant, Rafael was surprised when his mother addressed him in Spanish.

“Son, will you step outside for a few minutes. I want to have some words with your boyfriend”, she said calmly.

Rafael forced a smile to Sonny who of course didn’t understand a word, but answered his mother in Spanish as well.

“Mami, I don’t understand."

“Just give us some privacy.”

“What are you going to say to him that I'm not allowed to hear?”

“You can make this easier if you just go outside for a few minutes and let the unavoidable happen.”

Rafael sighed. Even though he felt the need to protect Sonny, he knew his mother would insist until she got what she wanted. “Okay, I'll sit in the kitchen then.”

“Son, this is New York. I know that you can hear us from the kitchen.”

“You really want me to go outside, at ten o’clock in the evening? On Christmas? In Brooklyn?”

“Yes, fifteen minutes will be enough.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes. “What am I supposed to do outside?”

“You'll come up with an excuse”, she said nonchalantly.

Rafael pressed his lips together. The wine was already fogging his thoughts. So he sighed when he turned to Sonny.

“Sonny, I need to go outside for a minute to… buy something. I’ll be right back”, he smiled at him apologetically, but he resisted the desire to pat on his shoulders as if he was a child.

“Okay”, Sonny made the word long but not asking further. Instead he swallowed hard.

“You be nice to him”, he said to Mami in Spanish, before he left. "And you know he's going to tell me what you told him anyway."

Outside, Rafael simply decided to walk around the block. The cold winter air of New York was not good for drunk people. The sharp air he breathed in just gave him a headache. It somehow made the tipsiness more intense while making his thoughts more clear. People say a walk was good for digesting, but Rafael could not see that in this moment. A cozy, tiny flat with Scotch seemed so much more appealing to him than the narrow streets of the wide city.

Rafael had missed to check his watch when he had left the flat, but after two blocks he figured he had given his mother enough time and returned.

He found his partner and his mother smiling at each other. At least, they hadn’t killed each other. He sent an inquiring look to Sonny who nodded in response. Everything was fine. Then he sent the same look to his mother who did not turn a hair.

After one Scotch, Rafael decided it was time to go before he got too drunk to be willing to go outside into the cold again.

“Mami, thank you, it was all really nice, but let’s call it a night”, Rafael said.

Sonny glanced at him, insecure. They hadn’t really talked about what to do after this evening. Both of them had no work the other day, so on any other Christmas Rafael would have spent another night at his mother’s. But his eyelids had started to feel heavy and he wanted nothing more than feeling the heat of Sonny’s body next to him. And another glass or two of Scotch.

“We'll go home”, Rafael added.

“Which one?”, his mother asked, without an edge.

“His is closer”, Rafael replied.

 _Which one?_ , Rafael repeated in his head when they wore on their coats. He kissed his mother goodbye on the cheek and Sonny earned himself a small smile from Lucia Barba when he shook her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got really long. I pulled off a few days of doing statistics for my thesis and I just had to write this as a counterbalance.
> 
> A little sneak peek: A little smut and a grand, but quiet finale is waiting ahead.
> 
> Thank you guys again for reading, I am really greatful. And I appreciate every kudos, comments, bookmarks.
> 
> Enjoy! Love loud!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little love and smut

Once they settled down in the cab, Rafael directly asked: “What did she tell you?”

“She kinda told me not to tell you”, Sonny answered, his accent rolling thick over his red wine heavy tongue.

“But you kinda will anyway”, Rafael put a hand on his partner’s thigh.

“I was kinda not”, Sonny admitted, putting his hand on his partner’s.

“Excuse me? Who are you sleeping with?”, Rafael shot him a withering gaze.

“Well, I want her to like me."

Sonny shrugged his shoulders and by doing so he looked incredibly cute. Rafael had become a weak man. Plus his vision was a little blurry.

“You're lucky that I'm half-drunk, otherwise I would argue with you.” He sighed. “Just give me something.”

“Well, she warned me that you’re a complicated man and I should run right away, if I can’t handle”, Sonny smirked mischievously.

 _Thank you, Mami_.

Rafael felt a headache building in his forehead. He decided that his level of alcohol did not match the complexity that this line of questioning was starting to have. He shook his head, thereby dropping the topic.

They spent the rest of the cab ride in silence. His mother actually did not live very far away from Sonny’s apartment. In his combination of dizziness and tiredness, Rafael started to find an absurdity in that fact. His partner lived closer to his mother than he himself. Sonny would even be the kind of person to encourage him to drop by his mother’s more often. Maybe even spontaneously.

She would hate that.

When they finally stepped into the apartment, Sonny helped Rafael out of his coat. As soon as the unnecessary fabric hang on the hook, Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny’s middle. He buried his nose in his neck and soaked in the smell of cologne. The cologne that Rafael had chosen for him.

“Finally alone, ha?”, Sonny whispered. His strong arms folded around Rafael’s shoulders.

“Yeah”, Rafael sighed, realizing in this moment that Christmas had been the first time, except the one evening they had revealed themselves to the squad, that they had appeared as a couple in public. Most of their relationship so far had happened in warm togetherness, just the two of them. And Rafael had come to yearn Sonny’s presence in his home. He loved to have Sonny all for himself, to be kissed and spoiled by him. With no one else disturbing their intimacy. But the last few days had been good. They had spent Christmas together with their families without the expected drama.

All of the sudden, a weight fell off Rafael’s chest. The pressure he had felt in his muscles finally untightened.

He suddenly felt incredibly tired.

“Thank you”, he murmured against Sonny’s neck, admiring this beautiful soft skin. Wondering at the same time why he loved bruising this almost innocent tissue so much.

“For what?” Rafael heard the surprise in Sonny’s voice.

“For being you”, Rafael sighed.

Sonny’s palms moved to the front of his shoulders and gently pushed him away. Rafael kept his grip around Sonny’s body firm, but lifted his chin in order to meet his partner’s gaze.

“Rafael, what’s going on? Why are you so cozy? I'm the sappy one”, Sonny smiled the most beautiful smile in the world.

_What he did for that man._

Rafael went tiptoe to press his lips on Sonny’s. His lips were soft and his smell was sweet. Sonny let the tip of his tongue caress Rafael’s bottom lip. After a while, Rafael’s tongue joined Sonny’s in a sweet embrace.

“What is it?”, Sonny whispered when they parted.

Rafael didn’t know if he was tipsy from the not very small amount of alcohol he had consumed during the evening or if his own goofy smile was fully Sonny’s fault.

“To be honest, I was scared shitless that I'd lose you”, Rafael whispered in complete happiness.

“What? Why would you say that?” Sonny brought some distance between their faces so that he could study Rafael’s expression.

“You know, depending on how your family would react…”, Rafael just said.

“What?” Sonny slightly shook his head. “It wouldn’t be right, if they didn’t accept you.”

Rafael let out a small laugh: “This is really not about right or wrong.”

Sonny let his eyes trail over Rafael’s drunken face. He also must have come to the conclusion that it was not the time to discuss something further here. He gently pecked Rafael’s lips.

“Well, it worked all out pretty well.”

“Yeah”, Rafael sighed.

He felt Sonny’s hands becoming adventurous. But his eyelids pressed heavily on his eyes.

“I'm tired, cariño. Let’s just go to bed.”

This was how far their relationship has come. Rafael refused sex with the most handsome man in the world.

With the question of “Do you want Scotch?”, Sonny had made him pour down a glass of water with aspirin before going to bed. Unbelievably but true, Rafael’s former intentions of Scotch had completely vanished. He somehow felt like all of his energy had been sucked out of him. Like air leaves a balloon. He was simply happy to be home instead of on his mother’s couch.

_Home._

Sonny fell into the sheets next to him and Rafael wasted no time placing his head on his partner’s shoulders.

“I love you so much, Rafael”, Sonny said into the silence, tightening his grip around Rafael. It was more of a reinsurance than a plain declaration of love. The warmth of these words hit Rafael in just the right way. _Don’t worry_  was what Sonny was trying to tell him.

“I love you." Rafael tasted the words in his mouth, cherished them. His mind slipped away into Sonny’s heartbeat, his heat and his scent. He was nearly drifting off into sleep when Sonny raised his voice again.

“She told me, she would love me like her second son.”

Rafael opened his eyes again.

_Son._

Was that what Dominick Sr. had been talking about? Rafael didn’t know his mother using words thick of emotions. And he was too tired and too drunk to think about this.

 _Thank you, Mami_.

* * *

 

When Rafael woke up in the morning, without a headache thanks to the water with aspirin before falling asleep, Sonny was not by his side. Various smells coming from the kitchen area gave him a clue about his whereabouts. With unexpected energy, Rafael got up and scuffed out of the bedroom finding Sonny preparing breakfast as expected. Coffee was already waiting for him hot in the French press.

Sonny was definitely spoiling him. But he loved spoiling him, so who was Rafael to stop him.

Moreover, Sonny beamed a smile at him. Instead of the words “good morning”, Rafael received a hard kiss on the lips that he in return breathed in like oxygen. Sonny’s hair was free of product and despite being December, he was only wearing boxers and a t-shirt. So Rafael had no choice but to pull him closer when Sonny tried to part their lips.

Rafael had woken up with a boner anyway and this handsome man was surely not going to make him any less hard.

Rafael fisted his lover’s undershirt, when Sonny’s tongue eagerly licked into his mouth. His long fingers searched their way under the fabric of Rafael’s shirt and caressed the bronze skin they found there. Rafael lifted his arms to encourage Sonny to get rid of the unnecessary clothing. Sonny worshipped the sight of Rafael’s exposed torso, after he had obediently pulled the shirt over his head. The lust in Sonny’s ocean blue eyes sent shivers down Rafael’s spine. Sonny let his palms trail through chest hair and gently teased Rafael’s nipples with his fingertips. Rafael sharply breathed air through his teeth and tightened his grip in the undershirt Sonny was still wearing. He pulled him by the fabric, directing him to the couch.

“Wait”, Sonny huffed.

He hurriedly spun around to turn off the stove, preventing whatever was boiling on it from burning. With a wide apologetic grin, he turned back to his lover. Rafael matched his grin and turned towards the couch. Sonny slapped Rafael’s ass for which he was rewarded with a surprised moan. Rafael felt Sonny’s hot breath against his neck when his lover pressed his length against his back. Sonny was keen on spraying kisses all over Rafael’s neck and gently bit his earlobe. His hand slipped inside Rafael’s boxer to get a grip of his dick. A tender pressure against his ass assured Rafael that Sonny, too, was already hard. But even though it was morning and he hadn’t had a sip of coffee yet, Rafael was not in the mood to let Sonny do the work.

While he turned around to face his lover, Sonny took this spare split of a second to shove his undershirt over his head. Rafael smirked.

“Lay down.”

He grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him on the couch. Sonny rested his head on the armrest and locked eyes with him. His beautiful, blue eyes sickened with lust. It was just a treat. Rafael positioned himself on top of his lover and decided to start his caresses behind Sonny’s left ear. He slowly placed wet, open-mouthed kisses along his neck. This sweet skin. He couldn’t help himself but sucked it in, because he wanted to see the physical reminder of their love making later. Sonny twitched under the sweet itches of pain the skin between Rafael’s teeth caused him.

Rafael’s mouth continued his journey with kisses along Sonny’s collarbone, his chest and following the love path towards his lower stomach. Sonny’s skin was firm, but the little hairs on it tickled Rafael’s nose. Although the skin was covered in goosebumps, it oozed heat. Red flushes blushed over the pale skin underneath Rafael’s kisses.

Rafael took his time biting along Sonny’s lower stomach and enjoyed how his lover’s hips started to shake under the touch of his teeth. By now, Sonny had started to groan openly and loudly. As always, he readily gave himself up to the passion. These sounds, these moves, they started a sparkling feeling in Rafael’s crotch. This was why he started fingering Sonny’s boxers. So Sonny slightly lifted his hips, allowing Rafael to push the boxers down and pull them off his long limbs.

Sonny’s erection sprang free and Rafael wasted no time taking it into his mouth. His own itching erection made Rafael suck Sonny’s cock without any patience. Soon, Sonny’s breaths accelerated. Well, Rafael was not the one to give a lazy Sunday morning BJ. He let go of Sonny’s cock and sucked his balls instead. Sonny slurped in air sharply. Rafael pushed Sonny’s thighs back towards his stomach and guided his mouth further down.

“Oh” escaped Sonny’s lips when Rafael’s tongue invaded his hole.

They had never done that before. So Rafael raised his gaze in search for his lover’s face. Sonny had his hands placed on his eyes, his mouth open.

“Sonny?”, Rafael asked.

Surprised Sonny looked down. “Go on, go on”, he reassured and replaced his eyes behind his palms, ready to give himself to the feeling.

The dirty smile transferred into the teasing that Rafael’s tongue gave Sonny’s hole. He felt how Sonny gradually relaxed and became more and more open to Rafael’s licks.

Sonny’s sweet moans were definitely a turn-on, making his own neglected cock dripping precum.

“You're such a good boy”, Rafael purred.

His own cock was twitching nearly unbearably. He lifted himself up.

“I’m gonna fuck you now, mi amor. You’ve been so good, I just want to fill you up.”

Sonny understood his dirty talk for what it was. An elegant try to ask without actually asking _where the fuck the lube was_. Sonny nodded enthusiastically. He pointed weakly somewhere over Rafael’s shoulder: “Lube should be on the lamp table”, he stuttered. And right, there was a bottle of lube standing on a tiny table next to the couch. Rafael darkly remembered that they had had sex on this couch over two week ago.

So this was how long Sonny hadn’t tidied up here.

But Rafael pushed these thoughts away, when he put a generous amount of lube on three fingers and pushed one after another inside of Sonny, working him loose. Usually, Sonny was the one doing this to Rafael. But by the way Sonny squirmed under the sensation, Rafael could tell how much they had both had missed this.

“Oh Rafael, please fuck me.”

“You ready for my cock?”, Rafael teased.

“Please, I need you to fuck me”, Sonny gasped.

Rafael smirked, but didn’t let Sonny beg any further. He put a generous amount of lube on his dick and placed himself in front of Sonny’s entrance. In one smooth motion, he pushed inside.

His eyelids fluttered.

Sonny felt so tight and so hot. Rafael wasted no time to push in and out.

“Oh god, Rafael, you feel so good”, Sonny moaned. “You feel huge.”

Rafael bit his lips. He didn’t have the nerves to tease Sonny or to prolong their orgasm. He pushed one of Sonny’s legs over his shoulder. He began to thrust and by Sonny’s groans, he could tell that he was hitting the right spot.

“Is this what you want, cariño?”, Rafael panted.

“Yeah… I want you”, Sonny’s words were put together by great effort. Rafael knew that Sonny's concentration during sex focused on sensation, not on words. Sonny threw his head back into the cushion: “Oh god… Rafael…”

Rafael recognized the heavy breathing.

“Look at me”, he ordered and Sonny forced his eyes open.

A moment later, Sonny came. Without being touched, his dick squirted strings of white cum all over his stomach. His blue eyes were watery, his mouth open, letting out the most wonderful sounds of passion. Of course, Rafael’s name also escaped his lips.

Rafael soaked in the beauty of this moment and thereby didn’t slow down his thrusts. He pushed in and out of Sonny, until his own orgasm overcame him. Hard and intense.

When his breathing slowly evened out and the world around him came back to him, he leaned down to place a sweet kiss on his lover’s lips.

“Wow”, Sonny smirked. “That was… surprising.”

“I only accept praise, not vague interpretations”, Rafael answered.

Now he really needed coffee.

After they had showered together, Sonny had resumed preparing breakfast. Rafael settled against the kitchen counter that separated the kitchen and living area and watched him, the steamy coffee in his hand.

“I got you the paper”, Sonny said.

Rafael was still hooked on his post-orgasmic relaxation, so he could have abstained from his old-fashioned habit of reading the paper that he only revived on weekends, but good boy anyway.

“And your mail”, Sonny added. He cleared his throat. “Seems like you got an invitation to a gay wedding.” He held up a card. “It’s a plus one, would be my first actually.” Sonny grinned.

Rafael took the card out of his hand and studied it. Juan Vergara marrying Xavier Johnson on February 14th.

Rafael pursed his lips. He was the one after Yelina, he had been more than a rebound. Not much more, but still more. Which was the reason why they were still talking, sometimes at least. Juan also worked as a lawyer, this was why their paths crossed from time to time. Nevertheless, the last time they spoke must have been over six months ago. Rafael imagined that inviting his ex to his wedding was meant to fulfill some kind of closure. Probably something Juan must have discussed and agreed upon with his husband to be. Rafael sighed looking up to Sonny who was busy with preparing breakfast. He had to be honest with him.

“I don’t want to go”, he announced. Sonny threw him a look, asking. “It’s an ex, actually.”

Sonny threw him another look, this time a more unpleasant one.

_Uh-uh. Was that really jealousy in his eyes?_

“Which one?”, Sonny asked, pointedly calm.

Rafael saw right through the act. He decided to forego all possible enquiries and to answer all questions he himself would have in this situation.

“Juan”, Rafael said. “Maybe twenty years ago. It didn’t last long. Like five or six months. This is when we had a random discussion about the future and which resulted in a not so random fight about expectations for our future. He left me, because I didn’t want to get married.” Maybe he should have left out this part. “Anyway, we ended on good terms. Forcedly. Because he's also a lawyer, working in Brooklyn.”

Sonny joggled the pan on the stove. Rafael could make out onions and mushrooms, but no unnecessary force in the movement itself. But Sonny didn’t speak for a few minutes. 

“You could show off with me.”

Involuntarily, Rafael let out a laugh: “That’s tempting.”

“Isn’t it?”, Sonny searched Rafael’s eyes with a genuine smile on his face. “We could rub our happiness in their faces.” Rafael grinned and took a sip of that perfect coffee.

It _was_ tempting.

But he remembered how taken aback he had felt back then, when Juan had ended things so easily because of their plain difference of opinions. The heartbreak had been small, but the confusion had stung.

“I don’t need to take revenge”, Rafael shook his head. Sonny nearly looked disappointed. “It was all a long time ago”, Rafael added. “Plus, they can’t see you naked, so Juan couldn’t really understand how much better I'm doing now.”

Sonny took the compliment the way it was meant, sweetly. Which made them exchange warm smiles with each other.

“They also can’t see us in bed together, so there's really no point in going at all.”

With a smile on his lips, Sonny broke two eggs into the pan. He nodded slightly to himself.

Rafael pressed his lips together, he seemed to have managed to curve around that one. Besides, before breakfast was not a time to discuss serious matters. Sonny and he agreed on that. So he sat down on the kitchen table and read the paper until Sonny had set the table ready.

Omelette, croissant and biscotti. His stomach growled in anticipation.

“I wouldn’t leave you, because you don't want to get married.”

Rafael’s gaze shot up. Unwillingly, he smiled widely, hopefully. Sonny smiled back, with all his warmth.

Without being asked, he explained. “I’m not a girl." He shrugged his shoulders simply. “Also, we couldn’t marry in church anyway, so it'd be more about the legal aspect. Which is kinda unromantic”, he explained. “Besides, the promise we make to each other is much more important than a marriage certificate, isn’t it?”

Rafael felt his whole being seized by incredible warmth.

He nodded.

“It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are still following and enjoying this fic, then I couldn't be any happier.
> 
> Love & peace!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small finale

Sonny literally approached Rafael in slow motion.

Sonny was holding the papers in his hand. Looking at them. Studying them. Staring at them without seeing something.

Sonny came sideways into the kitchen where Rafael was pouring himself a juice. A decision not just triggered by health reasons. Even though it was Saturday, it was a morning after all.

Sonny looked up to Rafael, impossibly slowly. It was obvious that the world had stopped in his face.

Rafael felt somewhat disappointed.

True, he had not even tried to pull off some romantic gesture, because he had believed that the act itself would contain all the heartfelt he felt in his heart so that any curlicue would fail necessity. But Sonny’s look was only little shy of shock, disbelieve surely was not the dominant emotion.

Sonny spoke the words in stillness: “Rafael. What is _this_?”

He didn’t hold up the papers to underline his question. The papers contained enough weight to stretch out their gravity across the room and rest heavily on their upcoming conversation without being specifically pointed out. Accordingly, Rafael also ignored the papers and put his eyes on Sonny instead.

“I didn’t give you a gift”, Rafael started. He didn’t understand Sonny’s display and was not going to feel uncomfortable about it. “For Christmas and all.”

Before Christmas, Sonny had actually agreed for them in an excessively official manner that gift exchanges between them were not going to be needed. To be honest, Rafael had not even wasted one thought on a gift. Therefore, the relief that Sonny had meant to pass on to him had never reached Rafael.

“I mean it’s our first holidays together… you know, as a couple”, Rafael hastened the words. “This just felt right.”

He drank juice instead of pointing to the papers.

This was what Sonny had argued after all. Gifts should be made when they present themselves, not when it was obligated by a certain time in a year during which, anyway, they should rather concentrate on their faith instead of holiday induced consumerism.

Here and now, Sonny swallowed. He let many things slide in this moment. More than his own insistence on not exchanging gifts, he skipped the stupid sweetness of Rafael’s stammered words with nothing more than a blink of his eyes.

“Okay”, Sonny said.

He placed the papers on the kitchen counter next to him with some kind of misplaced finality.

“Okay”, Sonny said again and could have said it a thousand times over.

And Rafael again felt disappointed over not finding a shred of excitement in his partner’s face.

“I'm just going to skip the fact that we didn't even discuss moving in together." Sonny raised a hand with the palm pointing towards the ceiling while he spoke. But the gesture fell short of meaning.

_Was he soothing? Upset? Or excited after all?_

“But this?”

Rafael raised his brows. His eyes shot to the papers and back to Sonny.

He didn’t get it.

He really didn’t.

There was nothing disturbing about those papers. They were printed on recycling paper. Rafael had even marked the places for Sonny to sign with an X. Not that he thought Sonny needed the hint. The papers and the line and the words were self-explanatory. But he had been bored at work, so he had marked the places for the signature like an overpaid secretary.

So for reasons of clarification: _“This?”_ Rafael repeated the word simply.

Sonny was not panicking, Rafael could comprehend that much. But Sonny swallowed again. He took his time inspecting some point above the kitchen cabinets, before he fixed his piercingly blue eyes on Rafael. He breathed in hard. Once more, Sonny was letting a lot of things slide in this moment in favor of coming to the point.

“You know, you could just let me live here rent free."

Sonny opened his mouth as if to raise his voice, only that he didn’t. Instead he raised his two hands, exposing his palms to Rafael.

“And that would save me like a fortune.”

Rafael shook his head in a tiny movement.

“You shouldn’t be dependent on what I let you do or not do”, Rafael determined. It was the plane truth. No sentiment. “Especially not something so daily, so essential.”

Now, Sonny drew his brows together.

“We have sex nearly daily”, Sonny said. “And like literally everything you eat… I'm cooking.”

Rafael answered with a tilt of the head.

_Really, Sonny? That is the point you are making?_

Sonny let it slide with a vigorous head shake.

_Anyway._

Sonny touched his forehead with both hands.

“And I was flipping out over whether or not I should give you a spare key to my place.”

Once again, Sonny opened his mouth for words that didn’t find him. Together with a heavy breath, the following observation finally came out: “And you just put these papers on the fucking coffee table.”

The anger that these words promised were not met with the intonation they were sent out with. Sonny had said the words prudently, and very much so. As if saying them would do any harm to Rafael.

“Should I have gift wrapped them?”

Rafael couldn’t help himself. Sarcasm was his nature.

“You shouldn’t give me this gift”, Sonny insisted with immense sensibility. “At all!”

Rafael put his now empty juice glass on the counter next to him. The fridge was humming into his back. He shifted his weight.

“Why not?”, he started. “I mean, I own this flat. It only makes sense that you move in here.”

Now Sonny let out a laugh.

“ _Okay_.”

The return of that word.

“This isn't about logistics.”

He put one hand on the counter, mimicking Rafael’s posture. His hand was now placed next to the papers. Only that Sonny didn’t continue talking.

“What? You don’t want to?”, Rafael asked knowing that this was not the point, but knowing that asking was the only way to keep this conversation going and thereby ultimately resulting.

“No, no”, Sonny shook his head. “I mean, yes, I do. I do want this. And I'm really, really flattered…” His big hand with his long fingers made a gesture by putting his palm on his chest. “And I am… so happy, that you want this. Too.”

A small, sheepish smile stole itself on Sonny’s lips which caused Rafael’s chest to heat up. The warmth spread through his body and made it impossible for him to not return the same stupid smile.

“But…”, Sonny continued. “This is really huge.”

His accent was thick and Rafael found it sexy.

“Sonny, if you think owning one and a half rooms in Manhattan is huge, than you must have been way too preoccupied with fumbling me when you come over. Because if you look around, this flat doesn’t have the size to justify the usage of the word ‘huge’.”

And Rafael meant it. It was a Manhattan flat, yes, but merely a luxurious one. Its three rooms were small and lightless, nothing more. When Rafael had bought this flat, the blood of the murder victim that died in here had been still stained into the fitted carpet. Hence the affordable prize. And as much as Rafael loved his shoebox of a flat, it had lost its sparkle since he had invited this man standing opposite him into his bed. His presence and that pot of basil standing in the little kitchen window had become much more appealing to Rafael than anything else this piece of real estate could offer.

“Rafael." Now Sonny was nearly whispering. “Do you know how much money you're practically giving me here?”

Rafael shook his head assertively.

“This isn't about money.”

“It's a bit too much money to not be about money.”

“Sonny, please…”

Rafael waved a hand. He didn’t like where this was going. He was not going to allow this.

But Sonny didn’t let himself be interrupted: “I really want this. I do so much.” Both hands stretched out, palms facing the ceiling, he continued: “But I mean… you could let me give you some money for rent…”

“No”, Rafael cut the word like a knife through the room. “We won’t be like this. I'm not going to ask rent from you like I'm your landlord.” When he saw Sonny opening his mouth, he raised his finger to stop him from talking. “We're also not going to split living costs like roommates, we're not in college, Sonny.”

Rafael gave him an honest look.

First and foremost, this had been the reason why he had decided to do this. He found it ridiculous and inappropriate for the nature of their relationship to discuss about money issues. Or even let them come anywhere near them. Rafael felt above money. It seemed almost bizarre to him that they should spend even a minute on a sublease, when he could as well wrap his legs around this man’s naked hips.

Maybe it was his own expert knowledge as a lawyer about the roots and means of the law that made him see an unimportance in legal proceedings. The legal proceedings were mostly meant for others. For authorities, for landlords, for possible heirs. But they had no meaning for the people who were the subject of them. For these people, a signed paper was inherently that, an insurance towards other people. An insurance to make these others accept the facts these papers state about these people who they were about.

These papers didn't hold the promises they make. Promises were made naked between bedsheets. In a glance between foreheads pressed together. With a smile only meant for each other. For them, these papers would merely stay that: signed papers.

“It’s like marrying rich. There are some benefits coming along with love. Just take it and be happy with it”, Rafael said without any shred of irony. “Only that I'm not rich.”

His small amount of wealth was a logic consequence of many reasons. Most of all the absence of a student loan, the absence of children or anyone else he could possibly spend it on.

Maybe Sonny found and also appreciated the sweetness in Rafael’s sarcasm, even though it went against his own nature. But Sonny only smiled, while his brows were still drawn together, crowning his impossible bright eyes.

His voice was nearly a whisper when he formed the conclusion: “If I sign this… and we go forward with putting my name next to yours into the land registry, then you make me co-owner of this apartment and you're practically giving me half of this apartment… as a gift.”

By the way he stressed the words, Rafael understood that it must be the gift part that he must feel most offended about.

Sonny took the papers in his hand and read over the words, again. His eyes moved in one smooth movement over the length of the paper, up and down as if reading it horizontally gave him a new perspective of what he had already successfully concluded.

Sonny looked up again and searched for Rafael’s green eyes.

“What if we break up?”, he asked with a broken voice.

 _No,_ Rafael thought. And _no,_ he thought again.

“Well, _if_ we break up. Then the most likely scenario is that I screwed up. In that case, you'll either be hurt or angry enough to toss your part of this flat back to me. In the unlikely case that you're the one who screwed up, you'll be candid enough to give me back half of the flat."

Rafael had went for a nonchalant tone.

“Anyway”, he continued, because he didn’t want to leave this line of conversation floating in the air like an end with nothing more to follow. “Well, and considering our age difference and the amount of Scotch I consume, I'll most likely die around two decades earlier than you, so…”, and now his voice became soft. “…then you have _this_.” To the discomfort in Sonny’s face, he added: “I don’t have anyone to leave it to anyway.”

“Rafael…”, Sonny started.

_Softly?_

_Hurt?_

“And in case something happens to me, you have proof…” Rafael now pointed to the papers. “You have something… that shows that we were together.”

He locked eyes with Sonny, giving him a vague smile.

Sonny opened his mouth, and closed it. Then he said: “We're only dating for like eight months.”

Rafael shook his head. That also didn’t matter.

“Just sign it”, Rafael stated. “Do it for me.”

 _This is our shared baseline_.

Sonny sent a short look at the papers. Then he shrugged his shoulders. It was a small gesture that represented all his helplessness.

“Why do you do this?”

There was a pause of silence in which Rafael studied his partner’s face. Sonny had become his everything. Even though his words contained a crack of voice, they were nothing more or less than stating the fact.

“Because you're my other half.”

By the way Sonny’s face was softening, Rafael understood that indeed Sonny had not understood until this moment.

Sonny lowered the papers impossibly slowly, with a look on his face as if he wanted to say “sorry” and “thank you” at the same time. With the same slowness, the papers fell to the ground like leaves in autumn and Sonny pushed himself away from the kitchen counter towards Rafael. Rafael only managed one step before Sonny’s arms closed around him.

Rafael had always found height attractive, but there was something deeply satisfying in feeling the embrace of his tall man. They had learned to synchronize their hugs. Rafael placed his cheek on Sonny’s shoulder with his nose right above the collarbone, while Sonny placed his cheek on the top of Rafael’s head with his nose curiously breathing in his scent. Rafael leaned into Sonny’s chest with his arms disappearing around the middle. Sonny’s arms wrapped around shoulders, strong and secure. Basically this tall man was curling around Rafael as best as he could.

And Rafael felt sucked in into the warmth. He felt like he was vanishing into his better half’s body. So that no one could see him.

There was no way that this could ever be not the best feeling in the world.

Rafael wanted Sonny all for himself. He never wanted to share him with anyone else.

Sonny huffed, a huff of relief. And amusement.

“You could've just given me a spare key.”

“And?”, Rafael asked into the soft tissue of Sonny’s neck because he sensed there was one of those.

“And I would've been bugging out madly.”

Now Rafael huffed out a laugh, mostly because Sonny’s accent rolled so slick and clumsy over his tongue that his voice had sounded like snakes rattling through stones.

He felt the back of a nose pushing against his forehead. The nose was searching a path further down his face, until Sonny’s lips found Rafael’s for the sweetest kiss. Their lips touched open-mouthed, softly yet intensely. Their tongue tips caressed each other gently.

 _God_ , this man could kiss.

And maybe it was only in this moment that Rafael understood that he had been smitten by Sonny since the first time they kissed.

Completely, fully and absolutely smitten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I was so happy to finally have written and finally be able to share this last chapter with you. Because this is what I am by these two, smitten. 
> 
> At the same time, I am sad. It was a nice story.
> 
> While there is potential to keep going, I might not. I feel like this fic has already gotten way ahead of myself. So this is it, probably, maybe.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading, it means so much to me.
> 
> Love loud!
> 
> (And coming from a foreigner to Americans), go vote in November!

**Author's Note:**

> Not just that I feel so relieved after writing Barisi, this second part is especially to you readers who are (I don't why) reading my little story and find such nice words for it. You are truly amazing! Thank you!
> 
> Comment, kudos, bookmark, I am happy for every single one!
> 
> Love loud!


End file.
